Just One of the Boys
by Duchess Emma
Summary: Uther bans Morgana from engaging in any "unladylike" behavior. So what's a lady to do? Why, dress as a squire and do as she pleases. Too bad she didn't count on Merlin. Awkward sexual tension, scandalous gender-bending, and hot lovin! Chapter 12!
1. Chapter 1

**I just finished my last Merlin/Morgana story last week, "Resistance if Futile", so I wasn't expecting the Muse to strike again. But this one did and things just came together really quickly. Right now the rating's at a "T" but as with all my stories, things will get naughty. **

**This takes place right after Season 2's "Lancelot and Guinevere". I'm not quire certain how to factor in Morgana's magic but I'll try to make due**.

**Enjoy!**

Just One of the Boys

Chapter 1

"It's not ladylike, Morgana," came the bored voice of Camelot's King.

"Well, neither is being manhandled or kidnapped, but with the current state of Camelot, those are looking like rather real options."

She saw the fury flare in the face of her guardian before he tightened his hold on the curved edge of the throne. His voice was soft as he began, but deadly, "That's an order, Morgana. I will not have you engaging in sword-play. Bad enough that you have that sharp tongue to contend with, I don't need any suitors frightened off by your combat skills."

"But I'm as good as any man! I have to practice!" Her voice echoed off the stonewalls of the elaborate court.

Uther turned his head and settled his gaze on the one man he could trust to enforce law here. "Arthur?" he said.

"Yes, sire?"

"I want it decreed that anyone who engages in sword play or teaches any type of weaponry to the Lady Morgana shall be beheaded. If any person even hands her a sword, he will be beheaded"

"But Sire—" Arthur started to say in suprise, only to be cut off.

"Beheaded, Arthur. Make it so."

"Father, I-"

"Beheaded," Uther said, some relish of delight in his voice.

"Yes, sire," Arthur said through tight lips. Disapproval was evident on his face but he said nothing.

Finally turning back to Morgana, he smiled at her exasperated expression. "Your eventual marriage is too important to Camelot for me to take the chance that any man could be turned off by your…unsavory activities," his voice softened, "Besides, you have an entire castle of men to protect you, there's no reason for you to have a sword."

"Then, what, pray tell am I to do?" Morgana practically spat out.

"Knit. Play the harp. Read. Arrange flowers. Whatever it is you womenfolk do that's gentile and proper," he said with a bored wave of his hand.

"You wouldn't dare behead someone over something so trivial," she said.

"My dear, you don't know the half of what I would dare. And this matter isn't trival. Your sword-fighting just became a matter of state business and as you know, I take that very seriously. Besides, do you want to take that chance?" Uther asked.

She didn't respond. Instead she turned on her heel and stormed out of the hall.

Uther just smiled.

* * *

><p>It had been two days. Two bloody days of knitting, of gossip, of pure unadulterated boredom.<p>

If she had a sword in hand now, she might've killed Uther on the spot. Instead she jammed her needle into the frame, pretending it was Uther's head. This was madness. She wasn't meant for this type of sedatary lifestyle. At least she couldn't tolerate it without some type of physical exercise. She felt restless without it. Anxious. Ready to explode. She didn't know how much longer she could take of this.

Which was why she was going to talk to Arthur tonight. He knew this was madness and he wouldn't let it continue.

She waited until after dinner to approach Arthur.( He was rather cranky when he was hungry.) She had smiled all throughout dinner, content to let Uther bask in his victory. Rebellion was in the air and she could afford to be generous.

After a quick knock on Arthur's door, she entered the room to find her surrogate brother seated in a cushy chair by the fire. _Good_, she thought_, he's relaxed. Perfect time for my proposal. _

"Arthur, how are you? That's a nice-" she started with an extra bright smile on her face and a compliment on her lips. Charm was her best asset.

But before she could get out any bits of flattery, he said, "The answer's no, Morgana."

He didn't even turn his eyes from the fire.

"No to what? I haven't asked for anything yet," she responded sweetly.

"But you will. I know why you're here. You want me to break my father's decree and spar with you. So again, the answer's no."

Moving to stand in front of him, she forced him to meet her gaze, "And why the hell not?"

"Such unladylike language," he said, smirking slightly, "And you know why. Besides, I'm sure you can find another hobby to occupy your time until the King relents," he said with a wave of his hand.

Angry now, she started, "Hobby? Sword fighting isn't a hobby and you, of all people, should know that. I need to know how to defend myself. I need to practice my skills. What would've happened to me or to Gwen if I wasn't able to fight?"

A strange look passed over Arthur's face at the mention of the dangerous scrap that had taken place mere weeks ago. Before she could discern his emotions, he became hardened again, "Look, I shudder to think of the treatment you might've experienced from those barbarians. It bothers me that Gwen even had to be in their control that long. But the reality is that I can't help you. My father is already upset that I rescued Gwen, I can't try his patience again. Not so soon."

"So don't tell him."

"Morgana, you know I hate secrets. And in this case, I can't and I won't. Not for something so trivial. You'll have to find another way, particularly another way that I don't know about," he said with finality.

"What do you suggest?"

"I suggest nothing. I'm not even aware that you're doing anything illegal. I didn't hear a word about that," turning patronizing, "You know, it's probably for the best."

"Ugh, men! Bloody overprotective idiots, the whole lot of them!" she shouted as she beat a swift departure from his chambers.

"Stupid. Infuriating," she said, angrily stomping back to her room. She was so caught up in her internal tirade that she didn't hear the footsteps as she rounded the last corner to her room. WHAM, her body slammed against a hard chest and she was knocked to the floor. Seconds later, a heavy body fell on top of her, squeezing the breath out of her.

"My lady? My lady? Are you alright? Are you hurt?" asked an all too familiar voice.

"I'm fine, Merlin," she managed to get out between gasping breaths.

His hands hand started to run over her body, checking her head, her arms, her sides for any damage. While she knew that he was just trying to ascertain if she were truly fine, his touch felt anything but. His hands were gentle and warm, the heat seeping through the velvet of her gown. He was still cradled between her body and she felt herself grow rather tingly.

"Really, I'm fine, Merlin," she said, uncertain if her voice sounded shaky from the fall or the intimate position they were in. She felt confused by her body's reaction to what were clearly innocent actions. Yet there was nothing innocent about their position and her body's reaction was scandalous. It felt nice. Too nice.

As if reading her thoughts, he scrambled backwards and started to blush, "I'm sorry, my lady. I'm sure I was more harm than help."

She couldn't help but smile at his embarrassment. The blush that stained his high cheekbones was most adorable.

Still blushing, he extended her hand down to help her off the floor. Taking it, she felt the same sort of awareness from before. His hand was large and hard, with calluses that demonstrated how hard he worked.

"Are you sure you're alright, my lady?" Merlin asked, his eyes still searching for injuries. His thumb swept over her knuckles before dropping her hand and she shivered.

"Yes, I'm quite alright," she said, breathily. She felt a bit dazed. Whether because of the fall or the strange pleasure of Merlin's touch, she wasn't sure.

"I'm so sorry. Arthur always says that I'm too clumsy to be a proper servant," Merlin said with a smile.

"No, the fault was mine. I was angry and not conscious of my surroundings," she said reassuredly.

"Do I dare ask what made you angry?"

"What else? The King has banned me from sword-play and Arthur refuses to be of any help."

"I see. It might be a bit treacherous to say this, but I think the all women should know how to defend themselves. I know first hand what a valuable asset you can be in combat," he said, referring to the battle at his village.

"I wish the King saw it that way. Or Arthur, for that matter. They both think it unladylike," she said with a huff. It was nice to be able to share this with someone. While Gwen was a wonderful confidante and friend, she wasn't quite so willing to criticize Uther. For good reasons, but still, this was nice.

"Well, you're always a lady to me, Morgana," he said with a smile, "I'd better go. Arthur becomes more of a prat the longer I make him wait. Are you certain you're alright?"

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine, Merlin. Stop worrying."

"Ok, well, goodnight, Morgana," he whispered, his voice slightly husky.

"Goodnight, Merlin," she whispered back.

Before she could round the corner, he called her name and she turned, "Yes?"

"You know, too bad you're not a man, my lady. Then the King wouldn't be able to stop you," he said, mirth sparkling in his eyes.

"Too bad indeed," she responded.

**FINIS**

**What do you think? Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews! I can't believe how quickly this is coming together. Enjoy!**

Chapter 2

It was late afternoon and the two ladies were alone in Morgana's chambers.

"I don't know about this," came the worried voice of Gwen from the other side of the privacy screen.

"Don't be such a Nervous Nelly, Gwen. Everything will work out. This plan is practically foolproof," Morgana responded.

"If by foolproof you mean absolutely dangerous and might jeopardize someone's life, then sure, it's foolproof."

"I appreciate your confidence, Gwen" Morgana replied sarcastically, "Look, this is something I have to do. I just need to try it, alright? If anything feels weird or I get strange looks, I promise, I'll come up with another plan."

"I could always bring you a sword. There are still some old ones left over from my father's business, no one would notice-," Gwen said.

"No, it's too dangerous, Gwen. The King would assume that you helped me. This way, everyone can plead plausible deniability and I'll take the blame. Besides, I need a partner. Don't worry, this plan is going to work. See," Morgan said as she stepped out from behind the screen.

She was dressed in a pair of brown breeches, a loose green tunic, and boots. While her hair was still unbound, she definitely didn't look anything like a lady of the court.

And while the breeches and tunic loose enough to hide her curves but there was still something not quite masculine about her. Gwen noticed as well, "It's hard to hide your rather womanly lines, but it's pretty good. What did you do to your…um, bosom?"

Morgana glanced down as she said: "I bound them with a length of cloth. I haven't seen my chest this flat since I was twelve."

"It's rather convincing. You look more like a boy than a man, but that's not surprising. Do you think it will work?"

"Yes, I mean, it's not as if I plan to be a knight or anything. I'll just say I'm a squire, everyone expects them to be young and kind of gangly."

"True. But we'll need to do something about that hair," said Gwen contemplatively. "We can't cut it, the King would know something was afoot and might deem that further proof of your 'unladylike' activities. I know just what to do-we'll braid it and then shove it all up into a hat of some kind. Most squires wear caps, so it won't look out of the ordinary."

"Good idea, Gwen."

As Gwen started to braid Morgana's hair, she said, "And you'll have to work on your voice, try lowering it bit."

"Whatever you think, Gwen," came back a super deep gravelly voice.

"Ok, maybe not that low. Something that sounds more natural, like you have a really bad cold or something,"

"Whatever you think will work, Gwen," came back Morgana's voice, deeper and slightly masculine but not too over the top.

"Perfect. You should be able to keep that up in male company," she said, enthusiastically.

"What else?" said male voiced Morgana.

"Well, you'll need a male name and a knight that you're a squire to. If you run into anyone, they'll likely ask you that," she said.

"How about James for my name?"

"Perfect. Very masculine," said Gwen with a smile.

"And what about Sir William of Daira? You know, I haven't seen him in weeks, I could just pretend—"

"No," Gwen said rather quickly, " he…he…he's gone home for the year. How about Sir Kaye? He's just left to visit his wife in Cadec. She's about to have a baby. He won't be back for a least a month which should give you a reason to be here instead of with him."

"True," she said, then reverting back to her man voice, "I'm James, squire to Sir Kaye of Cadec."

"Good, now we'll need to work on your walk," said Gwen. Somehow Gwen found a cap and put all of Morgana's hair up in it, "Ok, try to walk with like a swagger."

Morgana smiled, "Like Arthur? He's got quite a swagger."

Her friend merely blushed and mumbled something that sounded like "sure". For the past few weeks, Gwen had blushed whenever Arthur's name was mentioned. She wouldn't explain and Morgana didn't press, but something had happened, of that she was sure.

Morgana took a few steps, slumping her shoulders a bit and taking large strides. She tried to keep the sway out of her hips and to lead with her chest.

Walking the length of her chamber, she felt more confident with each step. _I can do this, _she thought, _I can pass as a man. _

Echoing her thoughts, Gwen said, "That's quite good, my lady. You've got the right mix of masculinity and arrogance."

Spinning in a rather ladylike circle, Morgana asked, "Anything else I need to do to be a man?"

"Hmm, I think you should dirty up your face a bit when you get outside. It'll hide some of your features better. And I we should cover up your neck. Most of the squires wear neckerchiefs, the less conspicuous you can be the better," said Gwen.

Gwen went over to a basket of laundry and pulled out a blue neckerchief, "Here. This is one of Merlin's. He won't miss it, he has nearly forty of these."

Morgana quickly tied it behind her neck and couldn't help but notice how much it smelled like Merlin. The smell was spicy and manly; it was both familiar and exotic, a bit like the man himself. She had to resist the urge to bury her nose in the fabric.

Gwen grabbed the laundry basket and said, "I'll tell everyone you're napping. Good luck and be careful."

"Don't worry, Gwen, I'm ready."

* * *

><p>She had been wrong. She hadn't been ready.<p>

Even with smudges of dirt on her face and a confident swagger, she felt as if everyone in the courtyard was staring at her. Could they tell she was a woman? Did they know she wasn't man? What gave her away? Were her curves visible?

She tried to remain calm but her eyes kept glancing around her, certain that at any moment someone would yell out "That's not a man! Seize her!"

And while she continued to get quizzical stares, no one said anything.

Yet despite the sudden burst of anxiety, she felt liberated. Her courtly gowns were usually confining and sometimes the material was itchy. Her skirts would get caught in closing doors (not to mention her hair) or her delicate slippers would slide on floors. She liked her bold and luxurious clothing, but with breeches, tunic, and boots, she felt much more stable and much less constrained.

And while people were staring at her, it wasn't with awe or barely repressed desire. Instead it was with ordinary curiosity. Her position as the King's ward was always evident in her bold clothing and manner. It was nice to be seen as something other than her social position. It was nice to be ordinary. Or ordinary enough.

She made her way through the courtyard without incident and swaggered to the training field. Arthur was stuck in the castle on business for Uther, so she wouldn't run into him today. Although she planned to avoid him like the plague, she wanted to be sure she could pass as a man before she came into any type of contact with him.

She swaggered up to the sideboard full of swords and tried to look natural. She wanted to immediately grab a sword and fight the nearest man, but she had to hide her enthusiasm and wait for the right moment. While she knew the basic job of a squire was to assist his knight, she wasn't sure what would be expected a squire without a knight present.

It didn't take long for her to find out.

"Oy, you there boy! Pass me a sword," came the brisk voice of a passing knight.

"Me?" James replied in a squeaky voice.

"Who else would I be talking to? Quick, you idiot, or I'll knock you on your ass," said the knight.

A bit flummoxed at such crass language and a little frightened of the knight's temper, she quickly grabbed the nearest sword and gave it to the surly knight.

"Good boy," said the knight smarmily as he walked away.

What rudeness! Frankly, she thought the barbarians who tried to capture her and Gwen might've had better manners than the knight of Camelot. Why he would never speak to her if he knew who she really was. And furthermore-but before she could finish that errant thought, a familiar voice sounded behind her.

"Don't worry too much about Sir Edward," turning she saw Merlin or who she thought might be Merlin. She could only see the legs and hair of him as he tried to balance a tall pile of armor. He continued, "He's been rather cranky since his wife tossed him out. She caught him cheating with her sister. Not that he was pleasant before, but now he has the temperament of a dragon."

"Thanks, I mean, I can handle it," James said back, uncertain of how a man would respond to such a statement.

Seeing Merlin's predicament, he said, "Can I give you a hand with that?"

"Sure," said Merlin as a few pieces of armor fell to the ground. James picked them up and grabbed a shield from Merlin's back.

"Follow me," said Merlin as he led them to a small shed near the practice field, "What's your name?"

"James. I'm squire to Sir Kaye."

"Sir Kaye? But isn't he gone?" said Merlin, setting his armful of armor down.

"His wife's about to have a baby but he'll be back in a month," James said as he too set his large pile down. Damn, it was heavy.

Merlin finally turned to face James and put his hand out to shake the squire's hand. There was already a quizzical look on Merlin's face as he saw the young squire. But when their palms touched and the same jolt of awareness swept through her, she knew he recognized something.

"Have we met before? You look strangely…familiar?" said Merlin, his eyes crinkling with recognition.

" No…I…umm…I'm new to Camelot….I …ummm... I mean, I was squire to someone before but he wasn't a courtly knight, so ummm…Sir Kaye wanted me to know the court which is why he left me behind," James said, removing his hand quickly from Merlin's grasp. Why couldn't she stick to the script? Why did she have to make things more complicated? And why did he have to shake Merlin's hand? Merlin was bound to see through the entire ruse.

"I see, but are you sure we haven't met before? I feel as if I know you," Merlin said, his keen eyes searching her face.

"Uh, well, I um, have a twin sister who lives around here. I'm staying with her here in Camelot. We have similar faces, people always say we look alike. Maybe you've seen her?" James said as smoothly as possible. It was difficult to concentrate as Merlin kept visually dissecting her face. Any minute now he's realize that James was actually Morgana.

After a moment of intense scrutiny and pregnant silence, Merlin said," I suppose" and shrugged.

They walked back to the sideboard together. Merlin kept glancing furtively at him, but said nothing more. Knowing that she needed to change the subject fast, James said, "Whom do you work for?"

"Prince Arthur," said Merlin, a slight note of pride in his voice.

She couldn't help but smile. He and Arthur might have their moments but Merlin clearly enjoyed his work. "Wow, that's a great post. It must be a real honor to serve a future King," James said.

"Yeah, it is, particularly when Arthur isn't being a prat," a sudden smile graced his lips as he finished, "Thankfully, he's tied up with state business for the next week, so I'm free to do as I please."

"That's nice. I'm in a similar situation with Sir Kaye gone," James said.

Could she partner Merlin? While she knew it was a bit dangerous, she did a partner. And with Merlin free for the next few days and James in need of a partner, well, the situation seemed perfect. She'd seen him fight a few times before and Arthur had trained him some, so surely he would make a decent sparring partner.

"I'm actually hoping to work on my sword fighting skills," James said, hoping that Merlin would take the bait.

"Oh?" said Merlin. "Well, I could always help you with that. Since I've got the time and all. I've trained with Arthur so I know how to fight pretty well" he finished with a bit of arrogance in his voice.

"Really?" James said, "You would help me?" She tried not to oversell it, but she was excited. To have a sword back in hand and a sparring partner was all she hoped to accomplish with this entire enterprise.

She knew that he would probably help, but it was nice that he was so willing. His kindness was something she always admired about him. And maybe in this situation she was taking a little bit of advantage.

"Sure. How about we start tomorrow? After the midday meal?" said Merlin.

"Absolutely," James said.

**FINIS**

**I'm having trouble keeping the pronouns straight here. Let me know if it's confusing. Please review!**

**Historical Note: So as I was doing research to make sure that I understood the role of a squire, and as it seems, a squire does many of the same tasks that Merlin does. He helps the knight dress (usually in a knight's armor), takes care of the horses, cleans and replaces his armor and swords. And while Merlin does have several extra duties, enough of the tasks overlap that I think that "James" and Merlin will have plenty to do together.**

**A boy is a page from ages 7-14, at 14 he is made a squire, and stays a squire until 21. He presumably comes of age and is subsequently knighted.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Many of you asked if Merlin already knew that James was Morgana . I'd like to think that her disguise coupled with her voice blinds him to some of the more obvious questions he would have. Unlike today, there's a pretty distinct set of clothing for each class, not to mention each gender. Without her more obvious markers of femininity (and ahem, the bold lipstick and eyeliner), I think she might be strange to Merlin but not totally recognizable. There's something he can't quite figure out about James- which works to this plot's advantage. Awkwardness ahead!**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 3

Morgana simply loved Gwen's cottage.

While it wasn't luxurious or grand, there was something homey and comfortable about it. It always smelled liked wild flowers and freshly baked bread. Gwen took great pride in her cottage and it showed in the little details.

"Thanks again, Gwen, for letting me change here. I told Uther at breakfast that I would be picking wildflowers all afternoon. You should've seen the devious smile on his face. He knows this whole situation is killing me. Ugh, I can't wait to get a sword back in my hand," Morgana replied as she donned James' clothing.

"You're welcome. But are you still sure this is a good idea? It was dangerous before but now with Merlin…I'm worried," said Gwen cautiously.

"It'll be fine, I promise. I won't put Merlin in any danger. At least not from the King. I can't promise the same when we spar," she said smirking to herself.

After a few more minutes of prep work and some dirt on her face, she was transformed into James.

Morgana hung her dress over Gwen's screen. She planned to come back and change before dinner.

Gwen walked her out and at doorway, Morgana gave her friend a hug. While Merlin had unwittingly given her the idea, it was Gwen who had been supportive. A good friend, a true and loyal friend if there ever was one.

Giving her a squeeze, she hoped to erase some of the lines of worry on her friend's forehead, "Thanks, Gwen. I promise, I'll be careful. Really. I'll be back before dinner."

And with that, James walked into the streets of Camelot.

* * *

><p>He hadn't meant to come to her home. Indeed, he hadn't planned to leave the castle at all.<p>

But after a long and tedious morning of diplomatic duties, he needed some air. His father's voice kept ringing in his head-_A good king knows every facet of his kingdom. A good king knows how to control his people. A good king knows how to perform every man's job in the kingdom. _Which was exactly the reason he was trapped inside, bookkeeping of all things. Ledgers. Figures. Sums.

While he knew his father was correct, it didn't make the task any easier. Arthur was a warrior, a leader, a virile and productive man. He needed activity-and scribbling a pen was little activity for a man who spent his days swinging a sword.

Yet here in the winding streets of Camelot he felt somewhat renewed. Men bowed, women curtsied. He could see the pride shining in their eyes. Pride for him, pride for the Camelot they had all built, the Camelot that would come to pass under his kingship.

And suddenly, his bookkeeping work didn't seem so bad.

He was just complementing going back to the castle when he realized where he was. He stopped, he was ten feet away was Gwen's little cottage. Unconsciously his feet had taken him right to her. Right to Gwen.

Things had been….really bloody awkward since the tourney and the whole rescue operation.

He knew he had handled things badly. Ok, so very badly. He'd rejected her only to then feign indifference. But his pride was piqued by her obvious and open feelings for Lancelot. Feelings he wanted to see reflected in her eyes for him. Had their kiss meant nothing? Had she not felt the spark between them? The passion that he'd barely kept restrained? He felt insane, had he imagined everything?

Now when they passed in the hallway, she bowed with her usual grace and muttered "Sire". Her voice was submissive. Passive. And God, if he didn't hate that particular tone. He wanted her impassioned, angry, anything other than this cold distance between them.

But what could he offer her? Years of secrecy and waiting?

He knew it was selfish but he longed to see her. Longed to promise her anything to keep her smiling, to keep her happy. Anything to end this misery.

Before he could decide to approach her home, the door opened and out came the object to his thoughts….and a young man.

Arthur had hidden himself in the shadows of someone's porch, but from his vantage point he could see perfectly. And before his mind could offer up solutions that didn't make this situation look romantic, the young man gave Gwen a hug.

A broad smile touched her lips and he was instantly jealous. This young man would make her smile? The hug lingered and with every moment Arthur could feel his anger rise. Who was this man who dared enter Gwen's home? Who was he to hug _his_ Guinevere?

Yet his rational mind said, _she's not your Guinevere_.

The young man ambled off and Arthur wanted to follow him. To find out more about this entire situation.

But as he leaned out of his spot to follow the young man's movement, he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up. She had noticed him; he was caught.

Removing himself from his hiding spot with as much grace as he could muster, he walked lazily over to Gwen.

"Good afternoon, Guinevere. Pleasant day," he said.

He wanted her to look angry. To give him some tart comment about how ridiculous his spying was. And then he wanted her to press him against the door and ravish his mouth. He liked the last bit. Liked it a lot actually.

Instead she looked worried. Guilty even, like she'd been caught doing something wrong. That didn't bode well.

A blush stained her cheeks as she said, "Uhh, yes, sire. It is pleasant."

He felt the same awkward tension filter into the conversation. He had to do something to upset the polite distance between them.

He's just been caught spying, should he ask about her guest? It was none of his damn business. But he desperately wanted to know….and yet maybe he didn't. Had Gwen moved on so quickly from him and Lancelot?

In the end, curiosity won out. He needed to know.

"Pleasant afternoon for company, I dare say. Who was your guest? I was...eager to make his acquaintance," Arthur said.

A spark of anger flared in her eyes before she quelled it. But it had been there and he liked it, even he disliked her answer, "Yes, I saw how _eager_ you were to meet him."

"His name, Guinevere?"

She shifted uncomfortably, "What purpose would that serve, sire? I'm sure you can be properly acquainted with him at another juncture."

"I wish to be acquainted with all my subjects. I could always search him out-" he saw her start at that. What was she hiding?

"James. He's squire to Sir Kaye."

"I see," Arthur said, but really he did not. Who was this man to Gwen? "You two seem…friendly."

"Perhaps," said Gwen noncommittally.

More silence and again she seemed uncomfortable. He wanted to say more. To ask her outright who James was and what he was doing in Gwen's cottage, but he knew he had no right.

"Well, I better get back to the castle. It was lovely to see you, Gwen," he said and meant it. Even if she had just been in another man's arms.

"Thank you, sire," she replied and quickly moved inside.

He made his way back to the castle feeling just as downtrodden as when he left. Gwen was with another man and while it might've been innocent, he couldn't be so sure.

_It's not your business_. _She's not yours_, his rational brain said over and over.

But squire James was somehow involved with Gwen, he had just become Arthur's business.

**FINIS**

**I've never written something from Arthur's perspective before. What fun! I like the complicated emotions between Arthur and Gwen during the 2nd series. After "Lancelot and Guinevere", I'm not entirely sure where these two go from there. Of course, "Sweet Dreams" makes everything right, but what do they do during the interim? I'd like to think that Arthur tries to hide his feelings and to avoid Gwen, but of course, he can't quite quell the ache he has for her. He's possessive but also rational. And she's contrite but not hopeful. (I melt every time he says "I've never loved another" sight) A good dynamic if I've ever seen one. Sadly, we don't have Season 3 here in the States (I'm still on a letter writing campaign to the BBC) and I know that a lot happens for Gwen and Arthur then.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Doing research for this chapter, led me down the metaphorical rabbit hole known as YouTube. I started out wanting to remember lines from "The Nightmare Begins" and was suddenly watching clips of Colin Morgan and Bradley James with any of their shenanigans. So damn adorable (and Colin Morgan's actual accent-HOT).**

**Also when I began this chapter, I had actually started to write another melancholic and pitiful author's note about how the BBC won't release Series 3 until January, blah, blah, blah, more sadness for myself. Then, my fiancée brought his Xbox over with his streaming Netflix subscription and behold-SERIES 3 IS UP! Insanity! Madness! Absolute euphoria! My mouth was literally agape for 2 minutes. I would've screamed my usual high-pitched schoolgirlish squeal but it was 2am. A whole 2 months earlier than I thought! So you can imagine over the next couple of days I'll be busy catching up.**

**Anyways, enjoy this chapter! Upped the rating just in case. Long chapter! Don't worry, it'll get much more salacious soon.**

Chapter 4

She walked onto the practice field feeling both anxious and excited.

While the whole "James" thing still felt pretty new (she continued to think everyone's eyes were on her), she would finally be back in her element. And to be honest, she was rather excited to spar with Merlin.

And maybe, a little bit excited to see him. Their moment in the hallway had awakened something in her. It had changed…something between them.

It wasn't as if she was ignorant of Merlin's appeal. The dark blue eyes, the shaggy hair, the high cheekbones-she had certainly noticed, as had most of the women in Camelot.

But it was something more. Since the moment he had arrived in Camelot, she felt connected to him. Like they were kindred. Two parts of the same..something.

And yet, she tried to stay away. She told herself it was because she was a lady and he was a servant, but it was more than that. The connection between them teemed with energy. It was powerful and strong. Yet she kept him at bay because she felt exposed and vulnerable in ways she never thought she could.

He might've started off as a wide-eyed country boy, but she always felt as if he saw too much. Like he knew all of her secrets, all of her deepest and darkest fantasies. Her hatred of Uther. Her anger at the unfairness of magic's ban.

And now he even knew about her magic.

She might've gone to the Physican's chambers to see Gauis but she had needed Merlin. She'd been frightened. Terrified of herself and what she was capable of doing. And she had needed his confirmation. She had needed his support…she had needed him to admit that she wasn't crazy or dangerous but that she shouldn't be afraid of what was happening to her…

And she had received nothing, at least nothing from him. Sure, he had sent her to the Druids who were far more knowledgeable about it.

But she had needed….something more from him. Always something. It was always nameless, for she didn't know what it could possibly be. But it was more than what she received now.

She trusted him. She believed he would never reveal her secret to anyone. But it wasn't enough. There was some inequality between them. He knew her secrets but she knew none of his.

And he had secrets, of that she was sure. His words in tent at the Druid campsite said as much-_"Better than anyone."_ He felt alone, too.

Her magic was the reason she fought so hard to engage in sword lay. It was the only thing that helped distract her from the clawing fear inside was sword play. Physical activity gave her purpose, it gave her focus. And it was a welcome distraction from the constant paranoia of discovery. She could trust Merlin, of that she was sure, but at any moment a vase could break or her eyes could glow gold or a fire could flare, or and or and or. She grew insane thinking about it; knowing that at any moment, her entire world could come crashing down. Uther was a villain and his tactics were cruel. She wouldn't receive mercy from him.

And sword play exhausted her. Every swing of the blade kept the nightmares away. Exhaustion and exertion calmed her sleep. The visions, the nightmares, the images of what had passed or what was to come to pass, it all calmed with hard work. It was why she pushed herself so far and it was why she was on the practice field now.

She would dress as a man every day of her life if it kept the demons at bay. She would risk Uther's wrath if it kept one night's dreams quiet. With determined purpose, she walked towards the scruffy haired man.

He was seated on a bench by the sideboard, polishing a sword. Likely an action he had to do numerous times as Arthur's manservant.

"Merlin," said James nonchalantly as way of greeting.

He raised his dark head and smiled, "James. Good to see you. Let me finish polishing Arthur's sword here and then we'll be ready. He might be stuck inside for the next week but that doesn't make him any less of a prat about this bloody thing."

Merlin went back to his task, his hand clutching a rock as he started long strokes down the blade. There was such intense focus on his movements. She couldn't help but notice how nimble his fingers were. He shifted the sword's position, gentle as he turned it over and began to stroke up and down.

It was hypnotic. She couldn't tear her eyes away from his hard hands stroking the blade. It reminded her of how warm and caressing his hands had been on her body in the hallway. The soft pressure, the heat of it through her gown- she shivered with the visceral memories. And with other thoughts. Thoughts of how those hands would feel on her bare shoulders, her ankles, her breasts…

"I'll just grab a sword and stretch out," she managed to say. She didn't have to fake the huskiness of her voice.

Merlin smiled and nodded as he continued his strangely erotic actions. What was wrong with her? Who knew that polishing a sword could be so sensual?

Trying to be calm despite her unsettling thoughts, she grabbed the nearest sword and walked to an open area of the field. All around her there were knights with various weapons engaged in mock battle.

Gripping the blunt practice blade in her hand and feeling the soft leather against her palm, she experienced the elusive sense of calm missing from the past few days. She felt controlled. Not chaotic. Not explosive. The sword made her feel decisive. Powerful, not powerless.

Angling her body, with one foot lunged behind the other, she stabbed the sword into the air. Turning quickly, she arched the sword high. After a few more swipes and slashes, Merlin was there.

"Not bad. Let's see how you do with a partner," he said.

She smirked at his comments, '_Not bad'? I can do quite a bit with a partner_. Getting into position, James said, "Sure."

James attacked first, aiming for Merlin's shoulder. He parried and moved back, clearly caught off guard by the young man's skill. James swung again, this time trying to bring the blade lower. Metal slid against metal as their swords clashed again and Merlin was forced to retreat again. Another thrust and he parried again.

After a few more attacks, Merlin didn't hold back. He thrust back, slashing his sword and It was exhilarating. While Morgana had fought Arthur before, he was also so gentle. He treated her with respect and dignity as a woman. And in this circumstance, it was maddening. Every other knight she fought did the same. No one wanted to push her too hard, fearing that they might injure or offend her (or the King).

But Merlin thought she was a man. Or a young man at least, and he didn't show her courtly deference. He fought her like a man. It was challenging. Difficult. And she loved every minute of it. Sweat gathered at her brow, her muscles stung with the exertion; it was wonderful.

Their swords criss-crossed as they both pushed forward, their faces coming closer, "You're very good at this," Merlin managed to get out through gritted teeth. James quickly lowered his sword and spun to block Merlin's next attack, "Thanks, I've practiced quite a bit on my own. But it's nice to have a partner."

Merlin hopped back as James side slashed the air a foot away from Merlin's stomach, "I mean it, you're really good. Graceful and aggressive. I've seen many knights fight and you have a certain…instinct. It'll suit you well on the battlefield."

"Thanks," James replied, pinkening a little at the compliment. She knew that she had some talent with the blade, but it was rather nice to hear Merlin say something so flattering. Knightly instinct? Arthur had never said as such.

"How did you get into sword fighting?" James asked, genuinely interested.

"As Arthur's manservant, it's part of my job description to keep his royal arse alive," he replied between breathes as he swung the sword low.

She couldn't help but smile at his tone, "I'd imagine that's not an easy task."

"You have no idea. And actually, Arthur doesn't either," he said smirking. "I first learned to fight in Ealdor, my village. My best friend Will and I would sharpen sticks and pretend we were knights of Camelot."

"That sounds like fun," James replied as they circled each other waiting to strike.

"It was. At least it was until I nearly poked Will's eye out. After that my mom forbade us to fight. We did anyway but not as much. My mom has the eye of a hawk, she can detect the faintest hint of lie."

Remembering Merlin's sweet mother, Hunith she said, "I'd imagine that would make it difficult." Swinging in a circle, she brought the sword down

"Yeah, well, I left for Camelot a few years later and I was trained up a bit by Arthur. But mostly, I work on my own. Arthur's not the most constructive of coaches."

"So I hear," James said.

They continued another fifteen minutes in silence, the only sounds the clash of metal and the panting of breath.

Merlin stopped and wiped his sweaty forehead against his arm, "Let's take a break. We both need some water."

She nodded mutely and they walked to the sideboard. Merlin pulled out a rather large pouch of water and took a long swig. As he finished, a few drops of water clung to his upper lip. She found herself transfixed by the droplets and when his tongue flicked out to catch them, heat coursed through her body. While it had been an innocuous action, it was terribly erotic. What was the matter with her?

"Here," said Merlin, handing her the pouch. She hesitated for a moment too long and he frowned. "I don't have the plague or anything. You must be parched."

"Sorry," she said hurriedly taking the pouch from his hand. Raising it to her lips, she could feel the lingering heat from his lips on the rounded edge. It was too intimate. Her lips tingled at the contact, it was almost like…kissing him. She thought she tasted a hint of something sensual and masculine. Maybe even cinnamon…

Her cheeks flushed and she finished the pouch, suddenly rather hot. It was the sun. And the activity. Yes, it was that. Not the near kiss from Merlin's water pouch.

"Thanks, Merlin. Sorry I finished it," James said with a smile, trying to ease awkward tension.

Apparently it worked, because Merlin smiled and said, "No worries. Let's get to it, shall we?"

James nodded, grabbing the blunt sword again. They fought for the rest of the afternoon. Merlin was a rather adept partner. He challenged her, several times knocking the sword from her hand. She returned the favor but it was the most grueling and demanding afternoon she'd spent in a long while. They had talked sporadically throughout the afternoon. Mostly about Merlin and his duties at the castle. She tried to avoid conversation about James, but answered the few questions Merlin asked politely. Yes, James did come from a small town. No, it wasn't peculiar to have a twin. Yes, Camelot was rather nice this time of year. Only when the sun started to sink a little, did Morgan realize that she had to get back to Gwen and back to the castle.

Panting, she put down the sword and said, "I better get back to my…er..sister. Thanks, we do this again tomorrow?"

The question hung in the air for a moment as Merlin gave a searching glance over James' face. Before she could squirm under his quizzical gaze, he smiled quickly and answered, "Yeah, sure. Tomorrow. Same time."

"See you then!" she said loudly, walking quickly to Gwen's house.

Her tunic stuck to her back. She smelled like a pig sty. She was in desperate need of a bath.

As she entered Gwen's cottage to change into her gown, she asked, "How was it?"

"As our good friend James would say, bloody amazing."

* * *

><p>"Your sword, sire…." Merlin said and then mumbled, "Although I hardly think you'll need it this week."<p>

The two men were alone in Arthur's chambers after dinner.

"What was that, Merlin?" said Arthur, a note of suspicion in his voice.

" I said, is there anything else?" Merlin said, eager to return to the rest and relaxation this week afforded him.

"Merlin, I need you to do something for me."

"What type of something?

"Merlin, I realize that you come from some small country town, but surely, you were taught that, when a master asks his servant to do something, he just does it. And he usually responds for good measure with an 'Anything, sire'"

"True. We were taught that."

"And?"

"And I think only a boot licking kiss-ass would say or do as such."

"Merlin!"

"Alright, what is it?"

"Do you a James? He's a squire to Sir Kaye."

"Yes, I know him. We met the other day, I'm teaching him how to sword fight."

"You? Teach someone the sword? That's rich."

"I'm better than I look," Merlin said mulishly.

"You're clumsy and uncoordinated but sure, sure you are. What else do you know about this James?"

"Ummm…let's see. He's from a small town. He seems rather young. And he has a twin sister. And when I first saw him there was something…off about him."

"Off, how?"

"Look, don't laugh, but James is rather…

"Rather what?" asked Arthur.

"Pretty, alright? Like girl pretty. I'm sure it's just because he's young and he has a twin sister who he thinks I might've seen around which does make sense but it's weird. He walks and talks like a man, but his face…"

"It's pretty?" Arthur said, trying not to laugh at friend's clear confusion.

"Look, laugh all you want, but it's true," Merlin said. Then nodding in Arthur's direction he said, "Besides it's not as if he's the only one with feminine features."

"You can't be referring to me. Feminine features? Please, this face is all masculinity," said Arthur, glancing quickly in the mirror on the wardrobe door.

"Yeah, well, people think your lips are rather feminine," said Merlin.

"Well, people say the same thing about your cheekbones." With a dramatic sigh Arthur said, "Look, I need you to…find out all you can about James."

"Why?" said Merlin. Suddenly teasing, "Are you interested in him? I didn't know that was your thing. You haven't spoken about Gwen in a while…and I mean, people often assume we have a _very_ close relationship. I always tell them we just get on, like brothers or something, but if skinny squires are your thing…"

"Ugh, you'd think with such abnormally large ears you would be able to listen for one bloody minute, Merlin. I saw James with Gwen, alight? And what do you mean people talk about our _very_ close relationship?"

Ignoring the last question, Merlin said, "Oh, I see. So you're jealous. Again."

"I'm not jealous. Nor have I been before. I'm just _concerned_. I consider Gwen a friend and I don't like the look of this fellow."

"So you saw them together?"

"Yes."

"So you were spying?"said Merlin.

"Yes."

"I hope I'm not the type of _friend_ that you go spying on."

"Well, next time you're hugging a strange man a little too long, I might make an exception," said Arthur.

"You saw them hugging?"

"Yes and it was a lingering hug. Like longer than ten seconds. And Gwen seemed…rather happy to be in his presence and rather guilty to be caught," said Arthur.

"So you think that there's something romantic going on there?"

"Maybe. Like I said, I was concerned for her. She's a young unmarried woman, I don't want anyone taking advantage of her kind disposition."

"Except for you."

"I'm just concerned for Gwen! Look, will you do it or not?" said Arthur clearly frustrated with his servant's knowing look.

"Of course I'll do it. As my master and the future King, I can deny you nothing." Merlin said with mock humility.

"I suppose that will have to do," said Arthur. Turning quickly and putting his finger in Merlin's face, "Oh and Merlin, I realize that stealth isn't exactly your thing, but do be cautious. I don't want Gwen or this James to know about my…er.. interest. And if you repeat any of this to another living soul, I'll make your life rather difficult"

"Don't worry, Arthur. I'm quite good at keeping secrets."

Arthur snorted.

**FINIS**

**I'm to episode 4 of Series 3! **

**Holy hot angry eye sex (among other things) **

**between Mergana!**

**I'm rather proud of the Arthur/Merlin dialogue here. **

**Please review! I love reviews! They make me smile. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Finished Series 3! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa-excited to watch Series 4. Anyways, this is a short chapter, but I wanted to get it out. I'm in the middle of grading 40 papers (YUCK) and I didn't want to keep this any longer. **

Chapter 5

"You're getting rather brown, Morgana," said her guardian from across the long expense of the table.

Her fork stopped midair. It was breakfast at the castle and she was picking rather ravenously at her meal. Morgana and Uther were seated in the great hall. Arthur had quickly gulped down his breakfast, determined to return to the books this morning. Merlin was bid by Arthur to say and help serve the King with a whisper about how his presence in the room would create more mess than was already present.

"Am I?" she said calmly.

Several days had past since her first 'lesson' with Merlin. They had fought daily, their battles growing more intense. More physical. And even in the past few days, she had learned more about swordplay than she had during her entire time with Arthur. He was patient and aggressive. Encouraging. She was rather proud of her sword prowess, but under his guidance, she had really begun to blossom. The only thing that seemed to change from their initial day was that Merlin peppered James with questions. He wanted every detail of James' arrival in Camelot. Every minor allusion to someone back home. Details about person James knew in Camelot. It felt as if he was searching for something specific, but was too afraid to ask. Morgana did the best she could to keep his questions at bay, coming up with answers when necessary, changing the subject when possible. But still Merlin persisted.

"Yes. Indeed, I can see quite a bit of pink in your cheeks too. Surely you haven't been sword fighting?" Uther said with a deadly undertone.

"Of course not. I've no desire to give your executioner more work," she said tartly.

"True. Poor Burns, never enough work to satisfy him," he trailed off with smug smile. "If it's not swordplay, then what has caused this change in your complexion?"

"Wildflowers. Haven't you noticed how littered the castle has become with them? I've taken to long walks in the afternoon to pick wildflowers and mingle with your subjects. I have met some new arrivals to Camelot."

"Oh? And who would these new arrivals be?" said Uther suspiciously.

"Ummm…a few people… a young squire. James, in particular," she lied. From the corner of her eye, she saw Merlin start.

"James? Really? Tell me about this James?" Uther said almost sarcastically. There was still a malicious glint in his eye. He was still uncertain.

"He's squire to Sir Kaye. A very nice young man. He comes from Cadec," she lied again.

"I didn't know that Sir Kaye had taken on another knight. Particularly in his absence. Why isn't this boy with his master?"

"I believe Sir Kaye left him behind to train up. If you don't believe me, ask Merlin. They've met," she said. Uther was determined to route her out. His pointed questions were annoying and dangerous. He wouldn't rest until he had more evidence.

"You've met this boy?" said Uther, turning to face his son's servant.

"Yes, your majesty," replied Merlin evenly.

"And you're sure he's real? Not some creation of Lady Morgana's imagination? Possibly to cover up her own sword play?"

"If he's a creation of her imagination, he's also one of mine and several other people's, sire," said Merlin with only the smallest hint of a smile on his face.

Uther said nothing was clearly enough proof that she wasn't lying. She breathed a little easier as the king finished his meal in silence.

But Merlin's ever inquisitive eyes continued to follow her. Had she just tipped her hand?

* * *

><p>Prince Arthur was hunched over an enormous stack of paperwork when Merlin returned to the Prince's chambers after breakfast.<p>

"Morgana also knows James," said Merlin without preamble.

"What?" said Arthur, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"Morgana also knows James. This is a good thing. It means we can ask her about him She and Gwen are rather close and if she knows James, she might know more about what's going on there…I could just ask her about them-"

"No, absolutely not. First, the fewer people who know about my feelings for Gwen, the better. Believe me. Second, Morgana would tease me mercilessly. Third, we don't even know if Gwen would've told her about James. Like I said, Gwen seemed rather secretive about the whole thing. She might not share that information willy-nilly with Morgana. No, just keep asking him questions. He'll slip up eventually."

"But it's not working. I've asked him nearly every question I can without asking him outright if he knows Gwen and if they're involved."

"Well then Merlin, you'll have to loosen his tongue."

"And how do you propose I do that? Poison him? Ask him questions at knife point? Wait, you're not going to throw him in the dungeon, are you?" said Merlin, suddenly worried.

"Of course not. I'm not my father. Besides, nothing loosens a man's tongue more than ale. Last time you were drunk, you said you loved me and that we had some destiny together. Something about powers for good and Albion united. Bit unnerving really."

"I…what? I said that?" said Merlin, shock evident on his face.

"Yeah. Like I said, very strange. Then you hugged me and said I'd make a good King. The point is, ale loosens tongues. And if it'll loosen a compliment out of you, then ale will definitely wrangle James' secrets."

"So you think I should get him drunk?"

"Yeah. It's perfect. I heard some of the other knights were going to the tavern tonight. Invite him along, a lads' night out and all that. He won't be able to resist. Ply him with drink and we'll know everything."

**I have part of the tavern chapter written already. Hopefully it'll go up soon. I promise some sexual tension then.**

**Please review! And think of me hunched over, writing constructive comments until my hands hurt. **


	6. Chapter 6

**I still have like 8 papers to grade before tomorrow, but I couldn't stop writing on this chapter! Enjoy!**

Chapter 6

This wasn't a good idea. Well, the entire James scheme (Merlin's brilliant idea) had seemed rather innocuous at the time, but _this_ was madness. She'd pushed the line enough by fighting Merlin, but drinking with Merlin…madness.

Yet as she walked through the stone courtyard of the citadel dressed as James, she couldn't regret it. Merlin had seemed so sincere as he asked James to come drinking with the lads. On some level it felt as if maybe she had somehow passed the man test. Drinking at the local tavern was a decidedly manly adventure. She'd heard enough of Arthur's stories to know that most of the knights and male servants frequented the Rising Sun.

And if she was honest, she'd always wanted to know what the big deal was. As Lady Morgana, she could never go to the Rising Sun. But as James, squire to Sir Kaye, she was more than welcome. And she meant to take advantage of that invitation.

James pulled open the door and was immediately assaulted with a myriad of sights, sounds, and smells. The titter of barmaid's laugh and raucous chuckle of men. The bitter smell of ale and sweat. The vivid red of the knights' cloaks in the darkened room.

It was easy to find Merlin. He was seated at a back table surrounded by Camelot's knights. While he was unusually tall, he wasn't nearly as bulky as the rest of the knights at the table. He was also wearing his trademark blue neckerchief. Adorable.

He saw James and waved him to the table, "Tuck in, gents, we have a new addition."

Merlin introduced everyone at the table, although Morgana already knew most of the men. "Wait, do I know you? You look rather familiar," asked Sir Leon, his gaze quizzical. He as well as several of Camelot's finest were present.

But before James could think of an adequate answer that, Merlin said "I said the same thing when I first met him. He has a twin sister who lives in Camelot. You've probably seen her."

Thankfully, a bar wench brought a new tray of ale at just that moment, saving James from questions. Merlin handed one of the pewter tankards to James.

"Let's toast, shall we?" said Sir Leon.

"To the future King!" echoed the call around the table.

"To the prat!" Merlin muttered beside her.

Taking a large swallow of the ale, she wasn't sure what to make of the drink. She'd never had ale before. The King thought it unseemly for women to drink anything more than watered down wine and he made sure that no one served such a drink to a lady like her. The taste was bitter and biting but good. Taking another sip, very good. The amber brew could grow on one and with several more sips, she knew that weak wine wasn't quite her drink.

"Enjoying it, are you?" said Merlin, a strange glint in his eye.

"Yes. It's delicious. My gu—I mean, my sister has an aversion to ale and won't keep it in the house. This is the first I've tasted and I think it might be my drink of choice."

"Good to know," said Merlin secretively.

She finished her pint and a fuzzy sort of warmth was spreading through her body. The knights were telling jokes and every one of them seemed hilarious. She found herself laughing as raucously as the rest. She was careful to keep the feminine pitch out of her giggle but it was difficult.

Another round of ale was brought around as Sir Leon finished his latest story about how he got a horse stuck in the mud as a squire. Another knight, Sir Ector said, "I'd expect as much from you, Leon. But enough stories for now, let's play a game. My favorite, Swive, Marry, or Kill."

"What's Swive, Marry or Kill?" said James, emboldened by the second pint of ale and eager to know more about what men did in a tavern.

With a devious smile, the knight started "Glad you asked, my young squire. It's a game where someone names three people and you have to decide which of them you would swive, marry, or kill. The rules are rather strict. You can only swive the person once. And the person you marry you can't swive. The person you kill has to be killed by your own hand."

"That sounds fair. But what's swiving?" James asked innocently. She knew that she'd asked something inappropriate when all the knights burst into laughter.

Merlin took pity and answered laughingly, "It's sex. The person you would copulate with."

"Oh," she said, blushing. Swive indeed. So it was _that_ type of game. She'd heard the maids talk of men's…erotic mind games, but here she was privy to it. How delicious!

"Yes, oh," said the knight. "Let's start with Sir Leon there. Mary (the Shepard's daughter), Lady Eline, and let's say…Sir Kaye's sister, Lady Sarah."

Leon looked contemplative and then said, "Well, Sir Kaye would likely kill me for swiving his sister, so I'll marry Lady Sarah. And while Lady Eline is lovely, she'll have to go. Because if there was one woman in that group I'd like to swive, it's definitely Mary. Definitely."

"Here, here," said several of the other knights.

Leon smiled and said, "Now it's your turn, Pellinore. Lady Eline, Elizabeth (one of the castle's maids), and Lady Joanna, Ector here's sister."

Pellinore replied sarcastically, "Thanks for the easy choices, Leon…Alright, so like you, I've no wish to darken Ector's stare anymore than necessary, so I'd clearly marry his sister. And since Joanna accidentally dropped an entire bowl of hot soup on my lap several weeks ago, I'd have to kill her. Which means that I'll swive Lady Eline."

Everyone laughed at the image of the clumsy maid and the hot soup on Pellinore's lap. Another round of ale was brought as Merlin said, "How do you know it was an accident?" and everyone laughed. James took another tankard but began to sip slower. It wouldn't do well for her to get drunk in this group of men. Two pints already had a very pleasant effect on her, no need to push it.

"Cheeky, aren't you, Merlin? Well, let's see how you fare. And let's make this one difficult. Very difficult," said Pellinore, rather smug.

"Make it as difficult as you like," said Merlin, taking a deep gulp of his pint.

"Oh, I will. Let's see….how about Lady Vivien….Guinevere…and Lady Morgana," finished Pellinore smirking.

She found herself suddenly very interested in this one and particularly, in Merlin's reaction. Maybe she should be offended that the knights were including her in such a salacious game…but since it was Merlin who had to answer, well, it didn't seem quite so sordid. Indeed, she was intrigued. A slight flush stained his cheeks and she wasn't sure if it was from the ale or embarrassment. Very intrigued.

He took a couple more swigs of ale before he answered. His brow was a bit furrowed and the rest of the knights waited silently for Merlin's answer.

"Alright, I'll play your game, Pellinore. Kill, obviously Lady Vivien. I doubt her father would let any man marry her, let alone swive her. Besides, I hear she's rather haughty."

"That's one, Merlin. Keep going," egged on Pellinore.

"I'd swive….Guinevere," said Merlin, his eyes glancing at her. She felt her eyes widen as she drew in a deep breath; that meant that he wanted to marry her.

"So that means, I would marry Lady Morgana," he finished and downed the last of his ale.

"Wait, wait," said Leon, "that doesn't sound like you. Why not marry Guinevere? And swive Lady Morgana? I always thought there was something going on between you and Gwen."

"You'll have to buy me another pint to get the answer to that," said Merlin, again, glancing at James.

"Well, by all means," said Leon, motioning for another round.

She grabbed another one off the tray, but as soon as everyone's eyes were turned she dumped rest of her third pint and half of her fourth onto the floor. She didn't want to be muddled when she heard Merlin's answer.

"We still want an answer," said Ector. "You'll not get out of this so easily."

Merlin took another long swig of his ale and started, "There's nothing between Gwen and I..well, we kissed once but that's it."

"You kissed Gwen?" said James, surprised.

"Actually, she kissed me. But it didn't mean anything. I'd nearly died, she was just being nice," said Merlin. There was a strange look in his eyes. It almost looked like comfort.

"Well, if there's nothing between you and Gwen, why not just marry her? Lady Morgana is very beautiful, I'm sure you'd somehow manage," asked Ector suggestively.

Maybe she should've been slightly offended (and a little flattered) by Ector's comments, but she was anxious to hear Merlin's answer. Did he find her unattractive? Was it because of Uther?

"Lady Morgana is more than beautiful. She's a goddess sent to earth to torment men like me. Her eyes are like fiery emeralds and her lips are pure sin. Once would never be enough. I don't think I could ever get enough of her. So I'd rather be near her, crave her, for the rest of my life than have one fleeting moment of pleasure," Merlin said, the words tumbling out rapidly.

Her sinful lips were agape as she shifted to stare at him. Merlin was waxing poetic about her. In a tavern, no less. She blushed, no one had ever said anything so…earnest. The words that had spilled from his lips were genuine. Passionate. There was an unholy glow to his face when he had spoken of her and just a touch of sadness. He couldn't have affected her more had he actually touched her. His words were like a warm caress. She felt a flutter in her stomach and her heart beat faster. He thought about her that way?

Yet even in his ale-altered state, he must've realized how much he'd shared. The entire table was uncomfortably silent after such an intense profession. He mumbled, "Well…that is.. I mean…it's someone else's turn. Umm, James. Same game. Same ladies." Merlin drained his pint nervously and called for another.

Still recovering from his words, James started, "Oh. Umm, ok."

Pausing to consider what the best and most manly answers would be, James said, "I'd swive Lady Morgana, marry Gwen, and I would also kill Lady Vivien."

After another long drink from his tankard, Merlin asked, "Why do you want to marry Gwen?" While his voice wasn't slurred, he was definitely louder and more aggressive than before.

"Oh, you know, she's nice and I respect her. I think she'd make a good wife," said James nervously.

That seemed to satisfy Merlin and she said picked another knight along with three other ladies. They played for another half an hour, everyone laughing at the responses and some of the men, making inappropriate comments. It was fun. And while Merlin laughed with the rest of them, he seemed slightly distant. He drained another pint and by the end of the night, it was clear he was drunk.

The other knights slowly departed. In the end it was just Merlin, Sir Leon, and James. As they all stood to get up, it was obvious that Merlin would need some assistance getting home.

Leon looked to James, and he said, "I'll make sure he gets home."

"Who needs help getting home?" said Merlin, comically stumbling.

"Don't worry," said James to Leon. It actually worked out perfectly. She needed a reason to enter the castle and Arthur's drunken manservant would pass muster for sure.

"Come on, Merlin. Let's get you back to the castle," said James, helping Merlin to stand and throwing his arm over her shoulder.

She knew he was strong. But to have evidence of that strength pressed intimately against her shoulders and against her side was rather unnerving. And arousing.

They ambled into the street, Merlin shuffling along with her help. .

He sniffed the side of her head rather loudly and said "You smell nice."

"Umm, thanks," James said nervously.

He went out as if James hadn't spoken, "And you're pretty. What a strange lad, you are."

"I suppose," said James.

"Arthur says I'm supposed to figure out your secrets. Do you have any secrets?" he asked. Suddenly serious he said, "You can tell me, you know. I'm great with secrets. I have _loads_ of them. Mine, other people's, Arthur's, Gwen's, mine…I'm really good. I mean, I'm great with secrets. Like amazing with secrets"

Chuckling, James said, "What kind of secrets do you have?"

"Well, there's the Morgana secret. I know the other knights don't get my feelings but I meant every bloody word. Every blood word. Besides, she and I, we're like… the same," he whispered the last part with soft intensity.

"What do you mean we're, I mean, you and Lady Morgana the same?" James asked, quizzically.

"Now that, I can't tell you. It's my biggest secret," he said, his voice humorous and serious at the same time. Almost childlike.

"Oh alright," she said, still puzzled.

They walked on, passing a few guards who merely nodded in response to the young man carrying along his drunk friend.

"You know, I'm not supposed to like you. But I do. If Arthur wasn't my best friend, you'd be my best friend," slurred Merlin.

"Yeah?" she said, pleased for James.

"Absolutely yeah. But there's the whole Gwen thing and Arthur loves Gwen and he hates you," dramatic sigh, "It's complicated. Like always. And more secrets."

They were meandering down the hall to the physician's chambers, "That does sound complicated. I'm sorry."

"Thank you!" said Merlin. "No one ever thanks me for my trouble. It's nice."

"Shhh," she said, chuckling a bit at his enthusiasm. "We're almost to your place. We don't want to wake up Gaius."

"True. He wakes up worse than a dragon. And I know dragons."

They stopped outside the physician's chambers, "Can you get to your room alright?"

"Absolutely. I'm not a child," said Merlin.

"Alright, well, goodnight," said James, removing Merlin's arm from her shoulder.

"Goodnight, buddy," he said and before she knew it, he had pulled her into a tight hug. She was unprepared for the assault it had on her senses. His arm around her shoulder pulled her flush against him and she felt the same delicious warmth of his touch from their last encounter in a hallway. She thought she heard him murmur "smells nice" but the hug was brief. He pulled away and carefully opened the door. As it closed, he peeked out and gave her a thumbs-up and a smile.

Sighing, she snuck back to her room. While the evening had been fun and very enlightening, she was left with more questions than answers. Why did Arthur hate James? What was Merlin's big secret?

But the one question that plagued her as her eyes closed for the night: Was it just the ale? Or did Merlin really feel that way about her?

**FINIS**

**Ah, poor Merlin, thwarted by his own enterprise! Drunk Merlin is quite a bit of fun to write. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I got the names for the other knights (Ector and Pellinore) from Wikipedia, just some other men who are often written as Knights of the Round Table and such. As for the verb swive-it's actually a Shakespearean term and something that you rarely see anymore. A pity, as it has a nice sound to it. My friends and I often play the same game at bars with the same strict rules. In a recent one game, I had to choose between Jacob, Edward, or Jasper. I choose to swive Jacob, marry Edward, and kill Jasper. My reason for marrying Edward was similar to Merlin's. (Although I said something much more crass about how being near Edward Cullen would fuel enough of my sexual fantasies for a few years.) I have a dirty mind, which is why I write this type of fiction.**

**Please review! Come on, I did get this chapter up rather quickly. **


	7. Chapter 7

**It's about to get awkward. And hot. Enjoy!**

Chapter 7

Something had shifted overnight.

Over the past few days, Morgana had begun to feel more at home in her James persona. The voice wasn't quite so awkward nor the gait so overdone. But the most notable change was that she had started to feel comfortable around Merlin.

Before she felt the connection. The tension between them and tried to hide from it. In disguise, she felt free to be open. It was almost as if the role of James let her finally be Morgana with Merlin. Of course, she still had to guard herself and pretend masculinity, but on the whole, she felt less restricted.

But last night had changed it all. It was one thing to have an inkling of Merlin's feelings. To fantasize about him and imagine that such feelings were mutual. To interpret and agonize over the shift of his eyes at dinner or the crooked half smile he gave her in the hallway. Everything had been fraught with meaning and yet, it was all in the world of her imagination.

But never in her wildest fantasies or deepest desires had she imagined Merlin would actually _admit _such things. _She's a goddess sent to earth to torment men like me. _

The entire morning she felt dazed, anxious. And strangely euphoric.

More than that, she was…unsure of how to react. Did she dare believe his drunken confession? Did she dare hope that the ale had loosened his tongue enough to wrangle out his true feelings? If she was hoping to observe any indication of Merlin's feelings at breakfast, she was bound to be disappointed. Unsurprisingly, Merlin had not made an appearance in the great hall. They were still scheduled to meet after the noonday meal, as per usual (and likely if Merlin's hangover abated) but she couldn't be easy about it. What was she to say? How was she to react? And what the hell was James supposed to say? Did men joke with each other after a night of whispered confessions and drunken debacles? Did James even dare ask about Morgana?

She couldn't forget his words, his wonderful passionate confession of attraction, but she was still doubtful of its validity. Did he really mean it?

There had always been a sense of connection between them. She'd shied away from it, feeling vulnerable, feeling exposed and knowing that he couldn't find _that_ Morgana attractive. She'd always secretly hoped for a return of feelings, but this was too much. More than she had ever wanted. And she still wasn't sure she could believe it.

So by the time she had snuck to Gwen, changed into her James attire, and walked to the practice field, she was fit to be tied. Would he even show up?

She didn't have to wait long; nearly five minutes later, Merlin wandered on the field. He looked like hell. His usually rumpled hair was even more disheveled, sticking up at the most odd angles. His eyes were squinted as if the bright noonday sun was much too bright.

"Hey Merlin," she said, a little bit of her anxiety dissolving. She couldn't help but inwardly chuckle at the aftereffects of their late night.

He winced at the greeting and said tonelessly, "Hey."

"How are you feeling?" James said sweetly.

"Not great."

"Are you still up for this? We could always skip today."

"No, I'll be fine. I think I just need go somewhere else. It's too bright here. Why don't we go to the lake?"

Grabbing their practice swords, James said, "That's fine. Let's go."

They walked in silence. Merlin was dragging so she slowed her pace. She'd ridden past the lake on many of her afternoon rides. It was mostly a spot for the locals to enjoy a meandering walk or a lovely picnic.

It was a short walk. Near the lake was a large clearing that was shaded by trees. Since it was early afternoon and most of the townspeople were at work, it was deserted. Merlin walked to the water's edge and kneeling, he splashed water on his face. He shook his head, as if to clear it and came to stand in front of her, looking a little better.

"I think I'm ready," he said and took one of the swords she handed him.

"You sure?" James asked.

"Let's just go, I'll find my groove," he said and they started.

She tried to be a little less intensive. James didn't attack with quite so much zeal nor did she take the openings he left. After a few more minutes, he seemed much better. While his reflexes weren't as sharp as usual, he did appear to be much more composed.

But just as she began to really show her true aggression and talent, Merlin's shoddy reflexes kicked in. She aimed her sword for his shoulder and while he managed to block it, he wasn't quick enough. The slightly dull tip scrapped against his upper arm and cut a gash in his skin.

Merlin winced and covered the wound with his hand but said nothing else about the pain. James, on the other hand, was overcome with words.

"Oh my God, are you alright? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have been so forceful. We've never even gotten close to that and now you're injured-"

"It's alright," said Merlin comfortingly. "It's nothing but a scratch."

"Nothing but a scratch? Are you mad? The blood is already soaking your shirt."

"It's only a flesh wound, it'll stop bleeding soon. Stop worrying."

Grabbing his uninjured arm, James dragged Merlin to the water's edge, mumbling about flesh wounds and stupid men.

"Where are you taking me? Plan to finish the job off? Drowning's a good choice."

"No, I'm going to bandage it. But we need to take off your shirt," James said, the last bit a little shaky. Really, she didn't want to tear his sleeve further and it was the only way to get a good look at the wound.

She grabbed the hem of his shirt and tried to ignore the sudden tremor in her hands. Lifting the shirt up, she and Merlin managed to maneuver his injured arm out of the sleeve and tug the shirt over his head. While she was extra careful, her fingers kept brushing against his chest. Finally, his shirt was off and she made him sit down.

"I need your neckerchief too," said James. Moving to kneel behind Merlin, she worked to untie the knot at the base of his neck. They were so close and with shaking hands, she kept fumbling and touching the soft skin on the back of his neck. Which only made her clumsier.

"If you plan to be back there any longer, would you mind giving me a back massage? I could really use one, you know," said Merlin.

"Prat," said James and finally managed to get the knot undone. She walked to the water's edge and knelt to wet Merlin's wet neckerchief. And to try to calm her nerves. She needed to put herself together. She was nursing Merlin, not fondling him. He was just like every other patient she'd tended during Camelot's battles. Just another injured person, just someone else who needed her help.

She'd almost convinced herself of that. And then, of course, she turned around to face the person she was trying to help…and help was the last thing on her mind. Merlin was stretched out on the grass, his arms propping him up. His face was turned towards the sun, his eyes closed as a small frown marred his brows and his lips parted. He looked like some dark god with his broad and pale chest and muscular arms. While she'd seen other men's chests before, never had she wanted to do so many things to them. Right now, she wanted to walk over, straddle his lap and run her hands all over his taut body. Her palms practically itched to touch him, to feel all that tightly wound muscle and hot skin beneath her.

Realizing that she was taking too long and that her mouth was dry from keeping it open, she walked over and knelt by Merlin's side. _Focus_, she thought, _focus on the task at hand. He's just another patient, just another patient…keep your eyes away from his amazing chest_

Gently she began to clean the wound. Merlin was right, it wasn't serious and it had already stopped bleeding. Thankfully it didn't look as serious as she initially thought.

"Am I hurting?" she asked, the silence a little awkward. Mostly because it enabled her to keep stealing glances at his half naked body.

"No, it's fine, really. I've had my share of injuries. This isn't bad," Merlin replied.

"That's good. I wouldn't want to maim Arthur's servant. He might retaliate in some fashion, considering that he hates me."

"Wait, how did you know that he hates you?"

"You told me last night."

"Oh God, I must be the biggest lightweight ever. Seriously, I only had like six pints and already I'm spilling secrets. Oh God, did I hug you?" Merlin asked mortified.

Smiling, James replied, "Yeah. Bit awkward really."

"Sorry. Apparently I'm an affectionate drunk. I vaguely remember that you walked me home. Thanks."

"You said as much last night. I think the hug sufficed as gesture of thanks."

Groaning, Merlin covered his eyes with his hand. She continued to clean the wound, pressing against it to staunch any additional bleeding.

After another few moments of silence, she asked the question she wanted to know the most, "Did you mean what you said last night?"

"Oh God, what else did I say?"

Trying to act nonchalant, James shrugged and said "Something about Lady Morgana and how much you fancied her. Compliments and feelings and such."

"Oh God. Tell me I said that on the way home."

"Sorry, mate. You said it in the pub, while everyone was there," said James.

"This is bad. Very. Bad. All of the knights are pretty discreet. Something about what happens at the tavern, stays at the tavern. But Sir Leon, for all his many fine points, gossips like an old woman. Soon Arthur will know and then he'll have an awkward chat with me. And that's after he skewers my bollocks with a sword that I've just polished. This gets worse and worse," finished Merlin, his hand still over his eyes.

Untying her own scarf, she began to wrap the clean neckerchief around his wound.

But after a few more moments of Merlin's mumbles and anguished groans, she asked again, "But did you mean it? Do you have feelings for Lady Morgana?"

"I'll answer that, if you answer this: are you involved with Gwen?"

"Me? Involved with Gwen? No, she's just a friend. She's been…err…helping me adjust to life at Camelot. Really. I think of her as more of a sister."

"Well, that's nice of her. Although, frankly, that sounds like Gwen. Arthur…thought you two might be involved. He saw the two of you hugging and well, he was worried about Gwen."

Arthur thought James was involved with Gwen? Merlin's inquisition made sense now. "I see. Now answer my question," said James, anxious to know the answer.

"Yes, alright, yes. I have feelings for Morgana. But it can never be. We're…similar in a lot of ways, but it's my destiny to watch her from afar. Nothing can come of it," Merlin said dejectedly as he moved to sit up. "Although, with Sir Leon the Tattler, I apparently won't have much more time to admire her."

"What do you like most about her?" When Merlin didn't answer, James said, "You can trust me, you know. I'll keep your secrets. Besides, it might be nice to talk to someone about it."

"True. I guess. Well, we're mates, right? We should be talking about women," said Merlin.

They walked back to where the swords lay. Merlin picked his up and winced a bit, "I'm fine. Really. I'll work with my other arm. It'll be good practice."

"If you say so…" said James, determined to go easy on Merlin.

"Look, I can't have you nagging me like my mother. Besides, I'll only share these feelings if we're doing something physical. Seems a bit unmanly to sit around talking about feelings without ale. Alright?"

"Alright," said James.

They began to spar, working slower and perfecting each move. After a few minutes, Merlin began, "I knew from the first moment I saw her that I was in trouble. I'd just come to Camelot from Ealdor and the first thing I witnessed was an execution for magic. While the whole scene was…horrific to say the least, I looked up to see a young woman in a blue dress, watching the scene with the same look of the terror as on my face. She was…gorgeous. Beautiful. More lovely than anyone I had ever seen in my entire life."

She felt herself blush at his compliments but hoped he would assume it was from exertion.

He continued, "I didn't know who she was. Of course, I found out pretty quickly that she was the Lady Morgana and that she was Uther's ward, practically a princess. Way beyond my reach, really beyond anyone's reach. She's likely destined for someone equally as rich and equally as handsome. Probably some alliance brokered by Uther. But definitely not Arthur's servant."

The more emotions he spilled, the harder he fought. As if he were battling the barriers between them.

"She's more compassionate and kind than any person I know. She's risked her life to help me, to help others-Arthur, Gwen, my mother and my entire town, and numerous other people. Like us all, she has a dark side, but I…can't stop myself from wanting her. I think about her all the time. I want her. I know nothing can ever come of it, I know that it's dangerous for both of us. But it's like breathing. I can't stop. I don't want to stop," he finished. She was so entranced by his speech that her own reflexes were slowed. Merlin had knocked her sword to ground with her back against the tree trunk before she

He playfully pointed the sword at her chest and said, "Do you yield?"

"Yes," James said breathily. Her mind was reeling…_it's like breathing. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. _

Merlin lowered the sword and smiled. But before he could move away, she grabbed his neck and pulled his head down, covering his mouth with hers.

She felt his shock as he tensed but he didn't pull away. She fused their lips together, reveling in the softness, the heat of his mouth against hers. It was divine. Essential. He said that being near her was like breathing. Well, kissing him seemed that necessary to her. Like finding the cure for a disease that has long plagued you. She opened her mouth slightly, nibbling on his plump bottom lip with her lips. As she flicked out her tongue, she heard him groan before he quickly shoved her away.

For the space of a moment, neither said anything. His face was a mask of intense astonishment as his chest rose rapidly. His lips were still slightly puckered and she wondered if she dared to kiss him again.

"I ummmm have to go. I'm ….supposed to be somewhere. Arthur. That's right, Arthur wants me. I have to go," he shouted the last bit out and tore through the woods towards the castle.

Too little, too late she realized how difficult this situation had just become. She had been overcome with Merlin's words. So overcome that she had done the unthinkable, had completely blown her James cover and had made everything so bloody awkward.

"Merlin!" she called in vain, wanting to explain everything. "Merlin!"

But he was gone.

How the hell was she going to fix this?

FINIS

Told ya! Awkward! Now we have Merlin worried about his sexuality and rather confused about his new friend. We have Sir Leon with his gossip and we have Merlin with the truth about Gwen and James. Phew, quite a bit happened here. Not to mention some rather sexy kissing. Yum. It's a bit naughty of Morgana to use her James persona to gain information about Merlin's crush. But come on, how's she supposed to know?

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Don't worry, Merlin won't be questioning his sexuality for too long. It's about to get really hot next chapter.

Please review!

They kiss with her as a man. He runs away and wants to pretend nothing happened.

She has to tell him the truth and then they make out, hardcore in the stables (yeah!)


	8. Chapter 8

**And clearly I didn't intend for the last bit to get put into last chapter's author note. Alas, I've spoiled some of the next chapter but there we are. We're finally going to get back in Merlin's head! Enjoy!**

Chapter 8

He didn't stop running until he was back at the citadel. Throwing himself into one of the dark corners, he tried to catch his breath. And to make sense of what the hell happened.

James had kissed him. And he'd…enjoyed it. Ok, well, maybe not _enjoyed_ per se, but he wasn't like…totally disgusted.

But why didn't he pull back the moment it happened? _I was just being polite, _Merlin thought_, it's…only nice to let someone kiss you. Proper even, right?_

Yet even to his own enlarged ears that sounded like bollocks. James had kissed him and he'd like it.

He knew there were men who were attracted to other men. It wasn't something one could talk about openly (Uther's ban on magic wasn't his only form of intolerance) but he knew it happened. And it hadn't bothered him. Even when people said stuff about his and Arthur's _close _relationship, he wasn't bothered. He'd always felt comfortable with his sexuality.

Until today. He didn't expect James's lips to be so…soft. Or eager. It was almost like kissing a woman. He had to admit there was always something rather…feminine about James. While he talked and walked like a man, he was different. Peculiar. Not quite right. He wished he could put his finger on it…but something was just strange about him. And that didn't make the situation any less frightening.

He sighed. This had just taken a turn for the worst. As if things weren't complicated enough. He was freaking out. Nothing seemed right any more. Everything he knew about himself was suddenly turned upside now. A mess, a huge mess.

At least now he really knew that James wasn't after Gwen. Apparently gawky manservants were more his taste. Merlin would laugh if he weren't so confused.

He made his way into the castle and to Arthur's chambers. While this past week Arthur took sanctuary in his room for the enormous task Uther demanded of him, this afternoon he had decided to work on some additional research in the library. This left Merlin free to do his other duties without the watchful eyes of his pratty master. He spent the entire afternoon cleaning, trying to figure out what he should do. Trying to figure out himself. Why had he responded to James's kiss? Was he…like that? What was he supposed to do now?

As the sun was setting, the Prince sauntered into the room.

"Cleaning, I see. Now that is a rarity," said Arthur.

"Funny. Really hilarious," said Merlin sarcastically.

After several moments of silence, Arthur said, "What's wrong?"

"Wrong? What makes you think something's wrong?" said Merlin shakily. Was there like evidence on his face of his kiss with James?

"Well, for one, this room looks sparkling clean. I've never seen it this clean. You only perform your duties well when there's something on your mind. Two, you have this really freaked out look on your face. It's completely scrunching up your face. Three, you haven't made one snarky comment and I've been here about five minutes. What's happened?"

"Nothing. Really. Nothing's happened," said Merlin quickly. While Arthur was probably his best friend since Will died, he wasn't quite comfortable sharing everything with him. And a kiss with a young squire was something he definitely didn't want to share.

"Come on, you can trust me. Is it another of your drinking exploits? Did you fall off your chair again? Talk more about this supposed destiny? Hug some strangers and tell them how much you love them? I forgave your absence this morning, knowing that you likely garnered some new information for me. I'm right, aren't I? What have you learned about James?"

_More than I ever wanted to know…_ "James isn't interested in Gwen. At all. They're merely friends," said Merlin.

"Are you sure? That hug was more than _friendly. _What proof do you have?"

_He kissed me. I don't think his sword swings that way. _"Trust me, ok? James is not into Gwen. You are free to lust after her all you like."

"I'm not lusting after Gwen! I was merely concerned about-"said Arthur.

"Yeah, yeah, you've said as much. James isn't after Gwen. You can sleep easy knowing that your special _friend_ is safe from rogues. Look, I don't feel well, can I be excused for the evening?" interrupted Merlin.

Arthur gave him a strange look, searching his face for something and apparently, finding it. "Certainly. You've been working hard on this whole James project of late," he replied.

But as Merlin moved to walk past him, Arthur put his hand on Merlin's shoulder and looked into his eyes. "I mean it, Merlin. You can talk to me about anything. I know I'm a prince and we can't be friends, but we can still talk about…stuff," said Arthur.

"Too bad we aren't friends because I would tell you to mind your own damn business," said Merlin tartly.

"Now that's the Merlin I know. Be here tomorrow. Early. Since you have the evening off, I'll need you to muck out my stables tomorrow morning," said Arthur.

* * *

><p>He wasn't at the evening meal. Nor was he there to break the fast.<p>

She thought about sneaking down to his room or asking him to come to her chambers, but it seemed too risky. Uther might notice something like that and she was certain that Merlin had a high sense of courtly propriety.

So she had to wait. And wait and wait. Arthur had made some significant headway on his project over the last few days so he was taking breakfast at a more leisurely pace.

Where was he? She knew that since he was absent from the table, it must mean he was doing something for Arthur.

She debated asking Arthur, but curiosity got the better of her and she said as nonchalant as possible, "I haven't seen Merlin around this morning."

Arthur looked up, a little hint of suspicion in his eyes, but answered, "No. I sent him to muck out my stables. He's had a lot of free time lately, I thought it best he do something more productive today."

"I see," she said and began to eat her sausages. Keenly aware of Arthur's eyes on her, she smiled and tried to act calm. While Uther was terrifying, she feared Arthur's gaze more. He saw more than Uther ever could. Of course, he knew her better, but he was also better at reading people, seeing their emotions, their fears, and their difficulties. It was one of his best assets and would make him a great King. But right now it was damned annoying.

After a few minutes, when she was sure that Arthur wasn't watching her any longer, she excused herself from the table.

She hurriedly ran to Gwen's and changed into her James clothes.

* * *

><p>It was dark inside the stable. Darker than she had imagined. While she was an avid rider who knew a great deal about horses, she didn't often venture into the stables. Uther forbade her from entering, as it was the job of a groom to see to the horses. Plus, it was difficult to maneuver a long trailing dress around all the dung. Thankfully, today boots and breeches made things easier.<p>

While it didn't exactly smell like a lily garden, it wasn't so bad. The smell was earthy but not overpowering. And she mostly smelled the fresh hay that they kept in the loft. There were a few horses in their stables and several whined at the sight of her, but other than that it was pretty much abandoned. She heard the hard clang of a pitchfork and the heavy breathing of labor near the rear of the stables.

It was Merlin.

She moved to the rear, thankful for the privacy and the isolation for this encounter. His back was to her as his arms maneuvered the wooden pitchfork under the hay and moved it to the corner. Sweat damped the back of his tunic and she could see the fabric pull against the bulges in his arms with each movement. She couldn't help but be fascinated.

Remembering her purpose was not to ogle, she cleared her throat rather loudly.

He turned, his look startled. His eyes widened as he realized exactly who had disturbed his work. Immediately, his eyes dropped to the ground.

"Hey Merlin," she said, still using her James voice.

"Hey," he said and quickly returned to his work.

"How've you been?"

"Fine," he said in a monotone voice.

Pregnant silence.

"Look, about yesterday-"

"Let's not talk about it. Nothing happened," he said tensely.

"Nothing happened? I kissed you. You ran away," said James. She didn't know why, but his easy dismissal of their kiss was frustrating. Man or woman, he couldn't deny the facts.

"It was nothing. You were sorry about the injury and got…carried away. I'm just …I'm just not…like that, ok? I'm not attracted to you," said Merlin.

"Oh really? Then why didn't you pull away?" She knew that the point was moot but still, to have him so blatantly deny the kiss she had dreamt about all last night was maddening.

"I was being polite," said Merlin straightforwardly.

"Oh really? And when you moaned? Was that you also being polite?" said James.

"I was flattered but I think we need to…spend less time together. No more lessons or whatever this was," said Merlin.

"I can't do that," said James softly.

"And why the hell not? This can't work. Whatever it is you think we have, it can't work. I'm in love with someone else. I'm in love with Morgana," said Merlin fervently.

"You're in love with me?" she said, her mouth open. _He's in love with me?_

"No, I'm in love with Morgana. Which you would've known yesterday if you were listening to me instead of plotting how to corner me and kiss me…Honestly, you could've saved us both some trouble and furthermore-"

"You don't understand, Merlin. I'm not James," she said in her own voice. Pulling the cap off her head, she let her hair spill down, "I'm Morgana."

**FINIS**

**What do you think?**

**Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I haven't quite decided where I want the next part to go. Oh, it'll get naughty but the details are still fuzzy. I just want to have a better direction of the action and the _action_ if you know what I mean.**

**Thanks to everyone for the reviews! They really inspired me to write this chapter!**

**I actually read some on the break between my two classes and by the time my second set of students came in, I had to stifle my giggles.**

**Very good for my pedagogy.**

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hold onto your horses, because it's about to get hot in the stables.**

Chapter 9

He stood there dumbfounded for nearly two minutes; his mouth was open as he took in the dark tangle of her hair, a stark contrast to the manly clothing.

She shifted uneasily, "Merlin? Can you say something here? The silence is rather awkward and I-"

That sparked a reaction, "Awkward? Awkward? Oh really? So me spilling out my deeply buried feelings wasn't awkward? Or you making me question my sexuality wasn't awkward? But long silences, oh no, those are awkward?"

He began to pace and kept thrusting his hands through his hair, causing it to stick up at even odder angles. She'd never seen him like this. Angry. Upset. She wasn't quite sure how to respond. She hadn't meant to cause so much trouble. Ok, well, she had wanted to cause trouble, but not to do this to Merlin. She wouldn't regret anything she'd done, but she was sorry that Merlin had been caught in the middle.

He stopped suddenly and stared deep into her eyes, his voice thick, "I just want to know why. Why would you put yourself and me in such danger? Do you have any idea of what Uther would do to me if he found out about this? Beheaded. Headless. Is this all a game to you? Was making me admit my feelings just part of your rebellious amusement?"

Shocked at his train of thought she said, "What? No, of course not. Your feelings were unexpected. I never knew you felt that way about me. I mean, I wanted to believe it, but I couldn't imagine it. You never gave me any signs or indications that you felt more than courtly duty. I needed a partner to spar with and you were so kind to me at first. And then…then I didn't want to stop, fighting with you or being with you. "

"Morgana, you know this can't work. I wasn't lying to James, I mean, you when I said that we can't be together," he said.

"And why the hell not?"

"This is dangerous. You have no idea of what you ask. Or what you'll unleash with this," he said, dragging his hands through his hair again.

"What do you mean?"

"I've kept it buried for my own good, sure. But more for yours. I've kept my distance because I knew that any sign from you would set off an explosion. A word, a look, and I would risk my life and yours to be with you. But we can't have that. We can't have this. There are too many obstacles between us. Nothing good can come of this dalliance."

"I can't undrink the water, Merlin. And neither can you. You've admitted your love and now I know it. Now I know myself. I'm sick of living this courtly life: full of secrets that no one shares, feelings buried, emotions contained. I don't want that. I want _you_. You who see all of me. And I want to see all of you."

"You don't know what you want. You were caught up in this farce. Flattered by my feelings and you feel obligated-"

"Stop telling me what I feel! I'm not a child. I know what I want and I know what I feel. I want you. And…I love you. This isn't a game to me. I want all you have to give. All you have to unleash," she finished.

He paused for a moment and some emotion passed over his face. Hunger. The same type of hunger she saw on the faces of starved villagers right before they were given bread. She took a breath and then another, but her lungs seemed incapable of filling completely.

When at last he spoke, his voice was seductively deadly, "Then you, my lady, are about to get a taste of it. You want unleashed passion, why you'll have it. But don't say I didn't warn you."

"Good, I've been warned," she said, thrusting her chin up at his challenge. "Because unleashed passion is_ exactly_ what I want from you."

A predatory look came over his face and she shivered. Not with fear but with anticipation. He moved closer as her back hit the sidewall of the stable. His hands tugged her closer, pressing her body flush against his and her back against the wall. He bent his head and right before he covered her mouth, he whispered, "Whatever my lady wants."

There was no teasing in his kiss; no soft brushes or seductive caresses of his mouth. And this time, she wasn't the one leading. Instead, his mouth devoured her, licking her lips, demanding entrance to the sweet cavern of her mouth.

And she gave it. Passion blazed between them. With a surprised moan, she opened her mouth. He thrust his tongue in, something that should've shocked her, but instead aroused her further. Another strangled moan escaped, muffled by their fused lips.

His hands crept up and tangled in her hair, his thumbs brushing against her cheekbones. His tongue explored her mouth, running along the ridge of her teeth and sweeping into her mouth over and over. No longer content to let him lead, she tangled her tongue with his. His lips slanted against hers, creating delicious friction as a seductive counterpoint to the forays of his tongue.

Had she thought yesterday's kiss erotic? Had she thought it dreamy? Because right now his mouth on hers was nothing short of wanton.

Her hands clutched the back of his shirt, bringing him closer. He moved his mouth to her ear, angling her head to the side for better access. Teeth nibbled her earlobe and she gasped. It was divine.

Her gasp seemed to arouse him. He wedged her further against the wall and panted out, "God, Morgana, why must you torment me? It's not enough that you haunt my dreams, cloud my fantasies, but now you have to invade my reality…"

Arching her back, she wanted to get closer. "Why must you torment _me_?" she gasped out.

His lips moved to her neck and she felt him smile against her skin. "I haven't even begun to torment you."

His hands moved down her shoulders, his palms running against the sides of her bound breasts. "How did you…what happened to your…?" he said, suddenly flustered.

"I bound them. It would be quite unmanly of James to have breasts," she said, breathily. What was he going to do? And how soon was he going to do it?

"Indeed," he said, chuckling.

He moved to the hem of her rough wool shirt and slowly started to push it up, his eyes seeking permission. She nodded as his fingers brushed the soft skin of her belly. It was torture. He pushed the shirt up and exposed the band of fabric which bound her breasts.

Fingers feathered across her collarbones as his hand was fisted to keep her shirt up. Her eyes closed against the sensation and beneath the cloth, she felt her nipples harden. His hand moved down, brushing against the barely visible swells of her breasts. Gently, he pushed the tightly wound fabric down to expose the heavy weight of her breasts.

"Bloody hell," she heard him mutter. "You're stunning." She felt herself blush at his compliment. No man had ever seen her like this. It was exhilarating. Beneath his gaze, she felt powerful. Sensual. Aroused.

Suddenly, both hands cupped her naked breasts. Her head lulled against the wall as a rather loud throaty moan escaped from her parted lips. "Shhh," he whispered against her ear. "We'll get caught."

As his palms began to massage her breasts, she had to bite down hard on her lip to stifle her moan. Gently, his thumbs flicked across hardened nipples and then he began to roll them between his fingers. His hands were magical. The heat of his hands against her skin was intoxicating. She craved it. Wanted more of it. Everywhere.

And clearly, she wasn't the only one affected. His hot breath panted against her skin, setting off goosebumps.

Their lips found each other again as his mouth smothered the erotic sounds coming from her mouth.

Her body arched into his, desperately seeking relief for the strange ache at her core. He pushed back, the hardness of his body both alleviating and increasing the ache.

But she wanted more. She wanted to be naked and she wanted him naked. She wanted to be underneath him, the hard weight of his body pressing against her-

"Merlin!" a voice sounded at the entrance of the stables.

They broke apart at the sound of the very familiar voice. He seemed frozen. His hands were still under her shirt, his lips were still puckered, but his eyes were wide.

"Merlin!" said the voice a little closer now. That seemed to galvanize them both into action. Merlin snatched his hands back and with a quick motion meant to signal her silence, he ran around the corner of the pen and walked towards Arthur.

She slunk down in the stable, aware that she was scantily clad and in men's clothing with her near stepbrother a few steps away. And that it was rather obvious who had made her so disheveled.

"Where the hell have you been? Why did it take you so long to answer?" said Arthur, his voice suspicious.

"I was….just so caught up in my work," said Merlin shakily.

Awkward silence then, "Why are you flushed?" said Arthur.

"Hard work. Exertion, you know."

Another awkward pause, "I thought I heard a moan."

"That was me too. Stubbed my toe."

"It sounded like a woman's moan," said Arthur.

"Yep, that was me. What do you think? That I was having a quick tumble with someone in your stables? Uh huh, sure," said Merlin.

She rolled her eyes. Merlin was a pretty bad liar. Not creative in the slightest.

And apparently, Arthur was enough of a dollophead to believe it, "Ok, now that you say it, I'm sure I've heard girlish groans from you before. And frankly, I don't know what hapless female you'd get to roll around in the hay with you. Anyways, I need you back at the castle. I've got a few tasks for you to do."

"Sure, Arthur. Just let me clean up and I'll meet you in your room in ten minutes."

"Alright," he said and as his loud steps walked toward the door, she heard Arthur mumble, "Merlin and a woman…hilarious."

She had managed to rebind her breasts. But there was no way to hide her reddened lips, her flushed face, or to calm her pounding pulse. There was no way to rid herself of the sensation of his hands on her skin. Of his body pressing hers against the way. Nothing could get rid of that knowledge. And she didn't want to.

"Morgana, we-" he started, his eyes avoiding herself.

"I know, we need to talk. Come to my room later," she whispered.

"Morgana, you know I can't…"

"Find a way. Or I'll find you."

And with that promise, she shoved her hair in her cap and left the stables.

**FINIS**

**Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Sorry this chapter took so long, I hope the next one will come before New Year's. While of course I loved writing the naughty scene here (bowchikawowow), I loved writing the dialogue. Merlin and Morgana (she's so bold, isn't she?), along with Arthur and Merlin-hilarious!**

**Tell me what you think. Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Something about Mergana always makes me a little angsty. I'm sure you can see that reflected in this chapter. It's a little sexy, but I thought our young lovers needed a little taste of destiny and reality. Enjoy!**

Chapter 10

He found a way.

Or rather, he found a way to elude Gaius and to walk to Morgana's room unseen. Easier said than done after Uther's beefed up security.

He softly tapped on the door and within moments, the door opened to reveal her lovely face. It was like déjà vu-her face on the other side of the door. It hadn't been that long since he was here, only his purpose had been different last time. He'd been desperate then. Anxious to know how she was doing after such an ordeal with the druids.

And he had needed to be near her. That hadn't changed.

This time when she opened the door, she wasn't frightened. Her eyes were hazy with lust and a soft and sensual smile curved her lips.

He opened his mouth to say something but before he could utter a syllable, Morgana grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him inside. She pressed him up against door-every womanly inch of her pressed right up against him.

Still shocked at the quick movements and swift kick of lust, his mouth was still open as if to speak. She took full advantage and immediately covered his mouth with hers, thrusting her tongue possessively in. He moaned as the taste of her filled his senses and fired his blood once again. His hands slid to her neck, brushing his thumbs against her silky skin and bringing her mouth closer. She moaned, his fingers playing over the vibrations.

She tore her lips away to press delicious kisses against his cheeks, his jaw and she whispered, "I missed you."

"You saw me at dinner," he whispered back, his hands skimming down her tiny waist to rest on her hips.

"It's not quite the same. Besides, it's not as if I could do this," she said huskily as she tugged his tender earlobe with her teeth. He gasped.

"Indeed. I believe that ravishing Camelot's servants during dinner would be most unladylike," he said, chuckling. Feeling bold, he cupped her bottom in his hands, pressing her pelvis into his until she moaned.

"Definitely," she said and he pulled her back to his lips, eager for more of her sweet mouth.

They didn't speak for several more minutes. Moans and groans of pleasure the only sounds that escaped their occupied lips. For Merlin, it was heavenly. He was kissing the woman he loved, giving her pleasure…and it was perfect.

He thought about ripping off her lovely and very thin nightgown and flinging her on the bed. And from the way her hands grasped his chest and her hips sought his, he didn't think she'd mind. But when her cool fingers touched his taut stomach, he knew they needed to stop. Everything was happening fast. Too fast.

He pushed her shoulders away gently and said, "Morgana, we need to talk."

"Not now," she said, already trying to pull his head down for a kiss.

"Yes, now. There's much to be said and even the temptation of your lips won't make me forget," he said, trying to sound stern.

Running her hand down the center of his chest to the middle of his stomach, she said, "What about the temptation of my hands?"

He was stunned. When had she become such a temptress? And why the hell hadn't he noticed before?

Grabbing her hand before it could go down any further and make a mockery of his words, he said, "Yes, sweetheart, even your hands. There's much to discuss."

He led her to the bed and she sat herself down. Temptingly, of course, leaning back on her arms and thrusting her half exposed breasts upwards. She never did play fair, but they needed to talk.

He tore his eyes away from the creamy skin and turned to pace…this needed to be done. It wasn't just society between them. It wasn't the mere rules of propriety and Camelot's blasted hierarchy which would keep them apart. There was much more.

Much, much more. And she deserved to know.

He stopped pacing and turned to look her right in the eye, "I've lied to you. Well, I've lied a number of different times. Every day even, every night when I brought you a tonic for sleep. And that night in Gauis's chambers and every moment since." Agitated, he began to pace again. This was difficult. More difficult than he imagined it would be.

A puzzled frown came on her face. "Merlin, you're not making sense. You've lied about my tonic?"

He stopped and fixed he with a sad gaze, "You're not the only one with magic." He paused and sighed, "I do too."

"What do you mean you have magic?" she said, dumbfounded, disbelieving.

Instead of answering, he showed her. Concentrating on the lone candle in the corner, he whispered an easy spell and the fire sparked up, flaring to two feet high before it went out completely.

She didn't speak for several long moments and when he finally dared to look at her face she looked wounded. Hollow.

Then she said angrily, "That night when I came to you? When I needed you, you lied to me?"

"Yes," he said tonelessly.

"Why? Why wouldn't you tell me? Why would you keep my power a secret? Why would you keep yours a secret from me?"

"It's complicated."

"I'm a smart girl, I think I can keep up."

"I know, I know. It's just…I'm not supposed to tell anyone."

"So no one else knows about you?"

"Well….Gaius knows. And my mother. And…well, Lancelot."

"Lancelot? So some random knight comes into town and you decide to tell him, but not me? Not even me, knowing how alone I've been? Knowing how difficult this has been for me, as Uther's ward?"

"It wasn't like that, I swear."

"Then why? Why couldn't you tell me? What prevented you?"

He gave a long sigh and said almost pitifully, "Your destiny and mine, they're intertwined."

"Intertwined how?"

"I'm supposed to help Arthur unite Albion and bring magic back to Camelot. You….you…well, you're supposed…"

"I'm what? Tell me, Merlin. I deserve to know."

"You're supposed to betray Arthur and Camelot. You're to be my enemy."

She didn't speak for a full minute. "Who told you this? Who has such knowledge?"

"The Great Dragon. He sees the future or at least snippets of it."

"So you think I'm evil?" she said, wounded.

"What? No, of course not. I've told him many times that he's wrong. That you have a good heart, that you're loyal and kind."

"Yet you still heeded his advice. He told you not to help me with my magic or to tell me about yours, right?"

"No…yes…maybe. Ok, yes, he said that. But….my magic is an enormous secret. I have to keep it safe. I barely trust anyone with it." He knelt in front of her, taking her hands,

"Do you know how hard it was for me to keep it from you that night? How many times I've cursed myself for not running after you? For not telling you right then that you weren't alone. Don't you understand? I love you. I'm sorry I've lied. It was necessary at the time but…I don't want to lie anymore. Not to you."

"So you love me, but you don't trust me?"

"Of course I trust you."

"So you're not the least bit worried that I'll betray Arthur and Camelot?"

He hesitated for a moment too long and she tore her hands away. She rolled to her side with her back facing him. "I think you should leave."

"Morgana, please, you have to listen to me-"

"Leave, Merlin. Don't make me get the guards."

That sufficiently silenced him.

He walked to the door with heavy steps. This wasn't how he wanted it to go. He hadn't meant to make her question his faith in her. She was good and pure, but impulsive. That was something he loved about her, something that made her so unique. But it did worry him from time to time. Maybe she wouldn't betray Camelot all at one, but one act of defiance might follow another and down the rabbit hole she went, destiny fulfilled.

But in his heart he knew that wouldn't happen. That the two of them could always find a way to make things work. That with him she would never be alone, never need to rely on others to make Camelot the place they dreamed.

He should've said that.

He cracked open the door and turned to leave, "I love you, Morgana. I've always had faith in you and I always will. Always."

And then he left.

**FINIS**

**Please review! Aww, their first fight.**

**Me thinks a "make up" moment might be in the works for next chapter….**

**what say you, readers?**


	11. Chapter 11

**I haven't forgotten about this story, I've merely been distracted by my other Mergana story, "A Thin Line". It's hard to go between post S3 Mergana and pre S3 Mergana-two completely different moods and details. This is something of a filler chapter after the previous falling out but it'll leave you with questions that will _definitely_ be answered next chapter. Thanks for the reviews!**

Chapter 11

"I had a very interesting conversation with Sir Leon last night," said the lofty voice of Camelot's Prince as he ate breakfast in his chambers.

"Oh?" said Merlin, feigning ignorance.

He could well imagine _exactly_ how interesting Sir Leon had made the conversation. And Arthur couldn't have picked a worse time to discuss it. He'd barely slept last night, tossing and turning, angry with himself and hurt by Morgana's withdrawal. He'd been right to tell her, but so much had gone unsaid. Now she'd banished him from her presence and he felt it acutely.

"He said you were spouting off words of love about Lady Morgana at the Rising Sun."

Merlin shrugged, acting nonchalant as he straightened the bed, "Maybe. I say a lot of things when I'm drunk. As well you know."

"Well, this didn't sound like your usual drunk ramblings. What was it that Leon repeated? Oh something about how Morgana is a goddess sent to Earth to tempt men like you and something else about how _one time_ with her wouldn't be enough," said Arthur.

Merlin felt his ears pinken at the too accurate recitation of his words in the pub. So this was the moment-he always thought he would die on the battlefield or in some obscure forest, die at Arthur's side as a proud and noble friend. Instead it seemed that fate had destined for him to die as a servant and by Arthur's own hand. Destiny unfulfilled.

Conscious of how important this answer was for his limbs, Merlin tried to shrug it off, "I talk about a lot of women that way. People say that I'm something of a romantic, a poet even. I've probably said something similar about Gwen." The last comment was meant to distract Arthur from the conversation.

He didn't take the bait, "You're lying. Besides, if you had ever muttered something like that about Guinevere, I would've killed you on the spot. Immediately and without hesitation," Arthur said, a definite note of steel in his voice. He continued, "I warned you to stay away from Morgana. She's not for you."

"I know, alright?" then mimicking Arthur's stern tone, he said, " She's above my station. She can't be my friend. I should take it from someone who knows. Yes, I know. Well…maybe I have different preferences now. Maybe I was actually tumbling a woman in the stables yesterday. What do you say to that Prince High and Mighty?."

Arthur snorted, "It's a load of bollocks. That's particularly hard to believe considering you follow Morgana's every movement with your eyes." At Merlin's surprised glance, he said, "I'd have to be blind or my father not to notice."

The prince sighed and said with kindness, "Look, I know this isn't easy. But take a couple of days. Help Gaius with this recent bout of pneumonia and try to purge whatever it is you feel for Morgana. I don't want to hear my knights telling me how my servant can't keep erotic thoughts to himself. It'll be better and easier for everyone, I promise."

"Did it work for you? A couple days?" Merlin asked softly.

Arthur didn't answer. He finished his breakfast in silence. As Merlin made for the door to start his tasks and apparently, to help Gaius, Arthur said, "No, it didn't work. But it helped."

* * *

><p>Gwen wasn't great at lying.<p>

She never had been. Her loose tongue got her into trouble. Straightforward lies about how someone wasn't present or that they had other things to do suddenly became wild tales involving new players and even stranger animals.

She was once supposed to tell her neighbor, Mrs. Alberts, that the horse shoes weren't ready because her father had been ill (he'd actually just been behind on his work because he refused to work on her birthday). Instead, she managed to construct an elaborate story about how her father had been forced to make horseshoes for a dark and mysterious man. He had demanded that he make them in gold with little crescent moons on them….Mrs. Alberts, so concerned at the mysterious stranger was still in town, had told her father she was going to call the guards to protect them from "evil outsiders with lavish tastes". Since then, she had tried not to lie. For moral as well as well as practical reasons.

But Morgana had begged her and so she planned to try, maybe this time without the was put to the test a short while later. It was a little after the evening meal and Gwen was in Morgana's room, straightening up.

Someone knocked and she pulled open the large door, trying to keep the vistor from peering inside.

It was Arthur and from the adorably scrunched up look on his face, he was not happy.

"Good evening, Guinevere. I've come to inquire after Morgana."

"Oh…um…she's doing better. Sleeping actually, so we might want to keep our voices down," she whispered the last bit.

"I see," Arthur said, whispering, although he didn't look quite convinced."Have you seen Merlin?"

"Merlin, why would I have seen him? What would he be doing here? I mean, I so rarely se Merlin. Or well, I see him in the hallways from time to time or in the kitchens. Well, and usually at dinner, but no. Honestly, sire, that's a bit ridiculous."

Suspicious again, Arthur said, "Gwen, you're rambling."

"Am I? Oh I suppose I am. But no. No, I haven't seen Merlin."

"You're certain about this?" he said, with that same discerning and suspicious voice.

"Yes," she said tentatively.

He scrutinized her and she felt heat rise in her cheeks. She was suddenly aware of how close they were, with her hand on the knob and her back against the door. His lips had taken on that pouty look that she loved as his eye bored into hers. Heat flared in his eyes and she saw him slightly lean in, the air between them hot with tension…

And then it was gone. He stepped back, every inch the stately prince.

"Well, if you see him, let him know I'm looking for him," he said haughtily.

She took a deep breath to curtail the pounding of her heart and said, "I will, sire."

"Goodnight, Guinevere," he said, his voice caressing the syllables of her full name.

"Goodnight, sire," she said, curtsying and carefully entering Morgana's bedchamber so as to hide the inside .

Closing the door, she sighed as she leaned against the door of the empty bedchamber.

She really hated lying.

**FINIS**

**Riddle me this-Where is Merlin? Where's Morgana? I'll give you a hint: in series 1 they were both present at this place in just one episode (it's a short scene). In my fics, I've never put them there before. Any guesses?**

**Please Review!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

She rapped her knuckles softly on the door.

"You may enter," said a male voice on the other side. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door to the King's private solar.

She hadn't been invited here all that often. Uther typically saw her at mealtimes or during any of the usual courtly activities, so there was little need for him to call her to his private rooms.

But of the dozen or so times she'd been in this room, one thing was always the same: she was in trouble.

And as per usual, she also knew why. Although she hoped Uther didn't know the whole of it.

"Your majesty," she said softly, putting on a show of doing her best curtsy. It was all she could do not to tremble.

"No need for that here, Morgana," Uther said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Of course," she said with an overly bright smile. "You wished to speak with me?"

"Yes," he said seriously. Then abruptly sat in one of the many plush chairs scattered around the room. "This isn't an easy conversation for me to have."

_He knows about the swordfighting. He knows about Merlin. He knows about everything._

A trickle of sweat ran down her clammy back as she waited impatiently for Uther to start. What would he do to her? What would he do to Merlin? Oh God, he'd likely behead Merlin all because of her stupid and rebellious actions. Or maybe he didn't know about swordfighting….maybe he just knew about Merlin's late night visit to her chambers? Oh God, he'd be headless either way.

"Yes?" she said as innocently as possible. Her mind was running away with possibilities. What did he know? How could she protect Merlin?

Uther sighed rather dramatically and finally said, "It's rather difficult for a King to admit he's wrong."

"What?" she said loudly, astounded. Wrong? What was he wrong about? Well, aside from the obvious things? And why was he admitting this to her?

He smiled an indulgent smile at the befuddled look on her face. "I'm sure I've shocked you, but yes, it's not easy for a King, well, for me, to admit that I'm wrong. People depend on me to make decisions. If I can't have faith in my own voice, how will anyone else?"

She continued to stare stupidly at him, still uncertain of what to say. What was he wrong about?

Cooly, he said, "You see, it was wrong of me to ban you from sword fighting. I've seen your talent a number of times. And you were right, it's a skill that has saved you on multiple occasions."

"I was right?" she mumbled, stunned at the complete turn around, at the confession. Why was he admitting this to her?

Rising to stand in front of her, Uther placed his hands on her shoulders paternally and looked into her eyes. "Yes, my dear, you were right. And I was wrong. I will no longer ban you from engaging in such activities, even activities that aren't particularly…feminine. But don't start carousing down at the pub or swearing a blue streak. Even I can't ignore that."

Dumbfounded, she could only nod and say, "Certainly, your majesty. I wouldn't dream of it." Although she fought to keep a blush from her face. _If only you knew…_

He straightened, the regal tones back in his voice, "I told you here so as to not make a production of it. I do have an image to maintain. I've already notified the proper channels and no one will stop you from sword fighting again."

"Thank you, sire," she said and actually meant it. What a turn of events! No more sneaking around, no more worrying, she could do as she pleased or at least do as she did before.

She turned for the door, but paused just as she was about to open it, questions still on her mind. "Sire, if I may be so bold as to ask, what changed your mind? Aren't you still concerned that I won't be marriageable?"

He smiled, a genuine and warm smile. One of the first she'd seen directed at herself in quite some time. "My deepest hope for you and for Arthur is that you'll find love in marriage. When I married Arthur's mother, we didn't marry for love. It was an alliance, one that's served me well here at Camelot. But I came to love her, very deeply. She saw all of me, the full range of my person. And that's what made us fall in love. So I figured that if I wanted you to fall in love with the man you marry, I'd have to let you be yourself. Because clearly any man who would fall in love with you would have to accept all of you, including some of your more…unsavory activities. But maybe you can keep that underwraps until after the ceremony."

She nodded then pulled open the door and left.

Her mind was swimming with what had just transpired. Uther had relented. She'd won.

She could swordfight anytime she wanted. She could engage in her other activites.

She should be feeling euphoric, she'd finally be able to participate openly in the things she'd been denied. No more sneaking around. No more hiding.

But instead of feeling happy, all she felt was the same bone-deep ache she'd felt all day.

_Merlin_, her mind whispered. Merlin, who had hurt her. Merlin, who had told her everything about her destiny, about the damage she would cause.

And yet…Uther's words ran through her mind. _She saw all of me, the full range of my person. _

Merlin saw her magic. He saw all the evil she could do. All the anguish, the pain, the hatred she could feel.

And yet still he loved her.

Magic was so frightening. So terrifying. She'd needed a friend and yet, Merlin had denied her that one comfort. He'd bared his soul, telling her a secret that could easily have him killed. And how had she responded? With distance and coldness, throwing his secret and his honesty back in his face. What cold comfort that must have been after his confession. It was almost like…his response to her confession. She'd withdrawn when he needed her the most. When he was the most vulnerable….just like he'd done.

Maybe he had a right to question her then. She was still upset, still angered by it….but maybe it was understandable given her previous behavior. She wasn't blameless, God knows. She'd tried to kill Uther in the past, at least indirectly. And given the chance…she wasn't sure what she might do again.

But Merlin said she had a good heart. He said she was loyal. Loving. And if he could believe it, maybe she could too.

They needed to talk. In private. She doubted he would come to her chambers even if she asked. So how was it to be managed? She'd noticed he was suspiciously absent from the lunchtime service.

She pushed into her chambers, to see Gwen straightening the room. A sudden idea struck her. "Gwen, I need a favor. A big one."

* * *

><p>"Merlin!" said a soft feminine voice behind him, "Merlin!"<p>

He turned at the sound of his name being called. A castle maid ran towards him. Sarah, she was a sweet girl, a year or so younger than him. Kind. Friendly. And she'd shown something of an interest in him for the past few years. Giving him bright smiles when no one was looking, sneaking him a few extra sausages from the kitchen. He liked her.

She was definitely "someone on his level" as Arthur had put it. And while he hadn't encouraged her advances, had shown her some of the same friendship he'd given Gwen, he knew if he let himself he could've eventually cared for her.

But that was impossibility. He was doomed a long time ago. For who could love kind and sweet Sarah, when one's thoughts were constantly consumed by Morgana?

Noticing the look of barely restrained alarm on her face, he said, "What is it, Sarah? What's wrong?"

"It's Gwen. She left a little while ago, claiming to be sick. I'm worried that it might be some of this whooping cough business. I think you should check on her."

"I'll find Gauis. He's probably-," he said, turning to leave.

"Gauis is gone, out checking on other patients in some of the villages outside the city walls. It'll have to be you," she interrupted.

"Thanks, I'll go straightaway," he said

He nearly ran to Gwen's little home. He tried to be calm. For all he knew, it could just be something minor. Gwen was hearty and strong, she rarely got sick. Maybe it was just a cold or something equally less serious.

As he hastened towards her door, he noticed there wasn't a candle burning inside the little house. It was after sunset, if Gwen was in there, she would need light.

Worried, he knocked loudly, "Gwen? Gwen? Are you in there? Sarah told me you were sick, I've come to check on you."

He received no answer. What if Gwen was too sick to even get up? What if she was too weak to answer his call?

He turned the knob slightly and realized that the door was unlocked. "I'm coming in, alright?" he said, pushing open the squeaky door.

The room was dark, nearly pitch black, but he could just make out a figure on the bed.

Making his way over, he whispered, thinking she might be sleeping, "Gwen? Are you alright?"

"Perfectly alright now that you're here," said the voice from the bed. Only it wasn't the sweet and motherly tones of Gwen's voice that answered, but rather the husky and sensual voice of one Lady Morgana.

"Morgana? What are you doing here? Where's Gwen?" he said hoarsely. His eyes had adjusted quickly to the darkness and he could make out her shape in the soft moonlight. She was seated on the bed in her James clothing, her hair spilling down her back. Had her manly clothing always looked so...delectable? The fabric seemed to pull against the very curves of her body, making him eager to run his hands down the S bend from her ribs to her hips. How had he not noticed before how utterly feminine she was? Frankly, he should've noticed. Or at least have questioned his sexuality much sooner.

"She's at the castle. We've switched rooms for the night," she said calmly, making his eyes snap back to her face.

"For the night?" he said, suprised.

"Yes, the night." She rose from her place recling against the bed and walked to stand in front of him. "Look, I wanted to apologize for last night."

He took her hand and said, "There's nothing for you to apologize for. It was my fault. I should've-"

"No, it was me. I should've listened to you. Given you a chance. Here you'd told me such a well kept secret. An important one and I pushed you away."

"Like I did?" he said.

"Yes, like you did. But I don't want it to be like that between us. Not anymore."

He framed her face with his hands. "Me either. You have to know, Morgana, how much I love you. How much faith I have in you. Destiny is such a frightening word, it puts such a heavy handed dose of fatalism on what we do. But it doesn't have to be like that. We can find another way. We make our own reality and with you by my side, I think we can make whatever type of reality we want," he whispered intensely.

He saw her smile through teary eyes. "I want that too, Merlin. I want that so much. I know that I'm capable of darkness. Of evil. But aren't we all? I've felt so alone at Camelot these last few weeks, so isolated. But I'm not alone. With you, I'll never be alone again."

"Never," he promised, his lips covering hers. It was magical. That seemed the only way to describe the wonderment, the love, the connection that flowed through them. He knew that when he was old and senile, when he couldn't remember his own name, he'd remember this moment, this kiss, this woman. Until his dying day.

**FINIS**

**Don't worry, we're DEFINITELY not done in Gwen's. If you're hankering for some hot lovin', may I shamelessly suggest my other story, "A Thin Line" to keep you satiated. One thing I did enjoy about S3 of Merlin was how the writers juxtaposed Evil!Morgana with her previous self through a recast of several important moments from S1. The alcove in moment in S1.13 or the rogue mission to Merlin's town. Those moments were the making of Morgana and Merlin's friendship and now, the undoing of that friendship. **

**Thanks for the reviews**!


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